Every Night I Save You

A Happy Post!

2012-01-15T12:23:00.000-08:00

This is my first non Debbie Downer post in a while, but I had an adventure this weekend. So this shall be the retelling of my epic first time getting to have REAL fun with a friend while living here that didn't involve fake smiling while thinking "Oh my god I'm bored" or sitting at some party wanting to go sleep in my car.

I also decided that idc about adding names to this anymore so, names ahoy.

Earlier in the week I was deciding to go see some friends in Jersey, Delaware and around that general area. After one being sketchy and saying no later after (I don't dig sketchy) and thinking about just how much I'm not thrilled with a particular person's attitude toward me and lack of giving a damn I remembered my very first friend from when I went to ATC (a place I've said I miss very much numerous times) moved here and wasn't traveling for once. Joe and I aren't super close or biffles or any thing like that, he's wasn't like a big brother to me at ATC, but he was always amazingly nice to me. Even as a senior seeing me first come in to ATC at all of just turning 16 and sitting at a counselor's table across from him for getting schedules fixed or answering a question to the academic advisor...idr what I was in for but I know I didn't do it.

But I figured I'd see what he said about hanging out. I figured we'd watch tv (which happens every effing time I go to someone's house anymore), Game (also happens), and eat (Oh my god I see a pattern), but instead he asked if I wanted to see Philly. Now since a very bad ex of mine lives there I'm always hesitant to be in that general area or anywhere around it. I don't know which part of the city he is in now so apprehensive I said yes. We set it for Saturday, which I knew would disrupt my normal coffee house thing but I felt I owed myself a night of fun since I don't really go anywhere or do new things without friends and the opportunity was presenting itself.

The night before I'd had a wicked migraine, I've actually had one for months because my new glasses hadn't been able to be ordered and they're just suppose to come in this week. I didn't know if I'd make it down there, but around 4am it just went away and I fell right asleep (which is unusual lately) and I got up at 8am nervous about going. I forced myself up, no sleep always makes me want to roll back over and go back (i.e like this morning instead of working) I drove down, with my windshield wiper fluid not working and having to spit on the windshield and clear it off every little while and the GPS was constantly telling me to get off somewhere I didn't want to so here I am driving down the road yelling at this box going "That was a bitch move GPS!" and trying to figure out where I'm going (I later figured out somehow "Avoid Highways" had been turned on).

So, after 3 and a half hours of driving on a two hour drive I get there! I get out, follow Joe inside and meet his roommate Gage and Loki the puppy (my personal favorite there) she/he was soooo cuteeee. I'll assume it was a he, and he followed me around the house licking my hand trying to get all up on my lap and whatnot. After figuring out things (apparently they did no planning) we went to the train station and saw that it was closed on Saturdays! WHO CLOSES THE TRAIN ON SATURDAYS?! But anyway. Joe just decided he'd drive into the city since I am very adamant about not driving in the city, esp until I get my good glasses.

The city was amazing, even just driving in. I haven't really been in a big city before and was nervous as to what could happen but no one was bothered me. There was so much effing walking though, oh dear god. Gage doesn't seem to believe in elevators or anything so we took every set of stairs and the long way around everything x.x I'm fat, stairs are not kind to me. Not that I didn't need the exercise. The wind was frigid but it was well worth it, I honestly enjoyed the museum even if it didn't seem like I did because I didn't touch much.

And one of the nicest things was having a friend to go with who was genuinely just being nice and didn't expect anything from being nice. A friend's house I go to frequently's family doesn't even know my name, after 4 years and they live with their family! One of my friend's family doesn't even know I exist because I'm rushed past them and I'm not suppose to say hi. None of my friends here ask if I want a drink or I'm hungry but it was a completely different experience this time. As soon as I got in the door I was offered any drinks in the house, there wasn't much food because they eat out I'll assume but we went and got food and was asked where I wanted to go. It was just amazingly nice, even just having someone who made sure I was behind them when walking or opened the door. It's incredibly unusual from what I was use to and it was great.

This took me two days to write and I have no idea why

Passenger

2012-01-09T15:48:00.000-08:00

I'm a Florida Party girl, I was conditioned in to it. I guess "conditioned" would be the right word, I had a lot of mentoring and whatnot to get me to that point.
I spent 2 years not caring, not caring about me, not caring about anyone else, not caring about anything that would separate me and not feeling.

I've come a long way since then, and for me to care about people and things is something I feel like most people take for granted. If I care about you, it means something. It isn't trivial, and it's not common.

Sometimes I get yelled at for this and told that is my problem. That my lack of caring about people unless they are very important means that I have meltdowns when I think people will be gone from my life. But why would that be a bad thing? For me to care about specific people enough that I care if they are in my life or not. Isn't that what I was suppose to be doing all along? Caring?

Sometimes I think it would be easier. I know that I wouldn't be anxious or have this worry looming over my head all the time. But there is one person that keeps me very grounded and holding back from that. It should be a compliment to them, it's not something I've done for anyone else.
This week and the weeks before it have been so very very frustrating. Trying to talk myself down is a habit nearly hourly, and trying to think of every method I possibly can to reduce anxiety. I hate feeling like I'm not useful, I pride myself on how easy it can be to talk to me, and I am struggling to justify why someone so important to me wouldn't want to tell me things.

I struggle with the talking myself down about the worst. The worst thing that could possibly happen is constantly in the front of my mind, at all times. It seems easier to jump there then constantly have to tell myself logical things.

When I Get Home

2012-01-06T21:34:00.001-08:00

I hate the way my brain works, like how if something goes even a tiny bit wrong I'm terribly paranoid worrying for the worst. I don't know how it got that way, or why or I guess I do. I know that it's not healthy, I just wish I could have a talk about it. Not that it would probably help, but at least I could get it all off my chest.

School starts in a couple weeks, and I'm really not looking forward to this but it'll hopefully not go as busy as I'm anticipating. I'm sure after a few weeks back in the habit I'll not mind so much. I could use with something to keep me busy and keep my mind off things though.

I've been watching Mizayaki's movies lately, which have been making me smile. I've also been drawing Peter Pan for the past few days, and it's coming out better than anticipated.
I could really use a good chat with the one person I need to have it with. Maybe I'll get to have it soon, who knows.
Because god knows I'm afraid he'll leave again.

Sea Lion

2012-01-01T17:06:00.000-08:00

I've been pretty lonely this break, I honestly don't see the point to it, I could have been doing a whole winter semester if I wasn't so damn broke.

I'm a very social person by nature, I'm shy but I like socializing and suck at entertaining myself. I think I might go back to therapy, I mean I don't really wish to, but I think my non stop worrying is taking a toll on pretty much everything.

As a side note, I kind of hate hearing about how awesome everyone's night was. I really hate new years and I have trouble not telling people to eff off when they talk about how awesome it was to drink their weight when no one could even text me to tell me happy new year. It's a super selfish thing to be upset about, but being someone who had to move away from her friends which they are well aware of, no one even wishing me a happy holiday while they were all out partying is pretty hurtful. The only person who wished me happy new year before I said it to them was my mother. My mom is the only person who has talked to me more than a couple hours out of my whole vacation. Which is a pretty shitty feeling.

Maybe that's why I've been so anxious lately. I've been nervous and anxious because I haven't been able to let my hair down, go out and enjoy myself enough to stop worrying about everything going on and accept that everything is sound and safe.

Automatic

2011-12-30T16:28:00.000-08:00

I feel like I messed something up, or I'm losing him. I mean it fits the pattern, so why shouldn't I worry? Quiet and avoidant, then boom over. I know it might be because of what happened, which is really understandable. But I'm so scared that it's all falling apart no matter how hard I try to tell myself not to worry and that everything is fine. It is not fine. I do not feel fine.

Bones

2011-12-28T16:44:00.000-08:00

Over the course of a couple days I have watched 4 seasons of Bones. Slight addiction.

I've been worrying more than normal lately, which is silly because I'm sure to other people my worrying wouldn't be rational, but I can't help it. Any time I try to get past it and get fixed it doesn't work, which makes me get down on myself.
I don't feel like it's fair that my friends get to see their significant others after knowing them like 2 months either. I mean really? Not fair at all.

This all sounded better when I was thinking about it in the shower and whatnot, but I always suck when I actually sit down to write.

2011-12-27T18:31:00.000-08:00

I hate New Years Eve. Loathe.
I'm going to sleep through it this year and hope things don't go badly since they do. Like 99% of the time.

This Christmas

2011-12-26T08:43:00.000-08:00

Christmas wasn't unbearably awful, it didn't feel much like Christmas this year though. I didn't get to talk to the boy pretty much at all, which is something I really wanted for Christmas. I really didn't get to talk to anyone, which made it kind of lonely especially when my parents operate on different schedules than I do.

Mend

2011-12-18T12:26:00.000-08:00

I know I'm suppose to be happy and thankful for what I have. That there are kids all over who don't have anything to eat, but I can't get into the mindset of "Christmas is suppose to be joyous". I've tried, I've been trying.
I like Christmas when things are well, I like them when things are going well and I have something to look forward to. Especially when I don't feel so lonely and my parents aren't dreading celebrating it.

My mom tries so hard, I know she does. She tries to take me to go find things I might like, but it's not what I truly wanted this year, I didn't even want gifts. I feel like it's never going to happen, it hasn't already so why should things change in my favor?
But what's worse is trying not to ruin other people's holiday with my mood. I just kind of keep quiet and don't want to talk much because I'm sad.

I don't feel like I can look at the "At least we're together" aspect, because we aren't. There is still other people involved and I don't even get him to myself for Christmas. I want something to look forward to and be happy about. I knew there was going to be big surprises and exciting things but now it's kind of like "Well what do I have to look forward to". My family? My parents don't really even want to celebrate because of my grandmother being here and that I didn't even want to be here. Which I don't blame them for at all.

My friends are all off with their respective partners/families and I'm kinda just sitting here looking for something really good to look forward to.

I sound so selfish. I really do.

All The Same

2011-12-16T20:43:00.000-08:00

So, pretty much Christmas is ruined. As is most of if not all of my winter vacation. I should have known it would be, I haven't had a decent holiday all year.
I don't have words for how sad I am, at this point I don't even want to go downstairs and see our tree all lit up.

I told my mom I didn't want presents earlier this month, I told her I just wanted him here for Christmas. And she kept asking over and over what I want, and now I don't even have to pretend to be happy about opening presents because I'm not going to be.

Yay Christmas. /sarcasm

Hop A Plane

2011-12-11T11:23:00.000-08:00

So, this week has been pretty stressful. I don't really know what's going on with my trip, and that makes me pretty nervous. I've been hoping for a Christmas miracle of some sort just because this is so very very important to me. Or some way for things to work out so I don't have to wait until the summer.
I also have finals and things this week which make that worse because I'm bleh wanting things to go right.

Naked As We Came

2011-12-08T17:25:00.000-08:00

A few months ago, around my birthday I got really depressed. I guess it was a combo of the stress of my birthday being mixed with not having anyone here to celebrate with and being in a very unhappy relationship. My best friend and my ex were the only people I told. I was getting bad with habits I have and I was absolutely miserable.
My best friend was the only person who I actually felt cared. And I didn't want to tell Aaron, because he was happy and I didn't want to admit that I made a mistake in not fixing things with us when I had the chance. Which I regret all the time.

I miss my best friend a lot lately. She made me a birthday video and watching it now turns me into a big sobbing snotty boob, it's kinda pathetic on my part really. But i don't feel like I have someone like that anymore. She use to be home with me all the time and when I had class I'd call her before/after classes and tell her all about my day. Everything changed when she moved, now I feel like she couldn't care less about how I am or whats going on. I miss having a friend who puts as much effort into friendships as I do, and doesn't mind having to talk to me about stuff when I get upset about it.

I'm really nervous for Christmas. Because he's suppose to be here and I'm afraid that won't happen. I'm afraid if I hope too hard and get too excited there is no chance of it happening. I know that's probably a bad way of looking at things, but holidays aren't really ever good to me. I don't think I've had a good one in a very very long time, so this is important to me. Of course my family has done the "if it doesn't happen no moping" thing but that really won't be helpful. Because I'll mope regardless.

Anyway. Heres to hoping!

Saltwater Room

2011-11-29T17:56:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I swear I'm one of the most impatient people on the planet. Nothing comes fast enough, and I really do believe "patience is a virtue" is just there to keep me from what I want.
It's hard when you want something so badly that waiting even an instant seems like an eternity, most certainly when you just want to talk all about it. Sometimes it makes me feel like a bad person. Especially since I feel like I'm doing things at the cost of other people, but I really feel like they could never appreciate what I want like I do.

I don't know how to describe it really. It's a pang of sadness mixed in with the excitement. Sadness/Worry/Excitement/Happiness and all of these emotions all rolled up in to one little ball. It's terribly frustrating though.

Please just happen now. Like right now

Mini Rant but. In letter form yayyy.

I'm frustrated with our situation because I feel like you are trying to be too good in all of this. Not that you're bad, but I think that's why I'm most upset. Despite all of the lies you were told and all of the ones you still don't have answered. I feel like you're trying to still make the best of the situation, even in ending when you deserve better than that. I mean, I know having loved someone you don't want to hurt them, but there isn't much love in someone who can't be real with you. Not in my opinion at least. I feel like you're missing out on things, things you really want because you're so focused on not hurting someone, which really isn't something you should have to do. I know I have no room to talk. I know I stayed for a long time in a situation where I didn't want to be out of fear of what someone would do and hurting them, but sometimes I think you just have to do it because if not you miss out on great things, or time doing things. I also feel like you put your own happiness at stake because of a worry. You tell me not to worry, so now it's my turn to tell you not to worry.

I know it sounds like I say this because I want you to myself. Which, I won't lie is partially true, but even just as a friend I'd tell you the same thing. I don't feel like you hear all of what I say because I can't have an objective view in all of this. Which I understand, I mean coming from me it sounds like all I care about is what I want and not what you want. And I'm sorry for sounding selfish, for pushing you into directions. I don't want to sound like that, or like someone who only cares about their own benefit. And no I'm not doing homework tyvm for asking.

I love you. I have always loved you and I will always love you. Nothing is going to ever change that. But I do worry. I can't help but worry because I don't have you, well I guess I do but without titles. It just seems so scary. I hate holding things back and not doing all of the things I'd love to do. Like give you mushy posts on tumblr or make you pictures and comments for when you come home. I've even sorta held off on the layout because of it, which I'm sure sounds silly.

I don't want you to feel like I'm only focused on myself in all of this. I've had long talks with Meatball quite a few nights a week and we talk about it and how I feel about it. How things are progressing with us and I have to tell her no mafia hits and no cement shoes. Even though she's my friend, who wants me happy, she's also your friend who wants you happy. She's told me so. She's told me she wants us back together already because we're one of the only mushy couples she thinks deserve it...aside from her situation of course. Pftt meatball putting herself first! Who does she think she is.

I do understand though. I stayed in a situation because of someone's emotional stability and their mental mindset. And I missed out on some really great things. I missed out on you the first time. I'm not saying I'll leave. I'm not saying I'm going anywhere or doing anything, and I hate that it's something big that we have to discuss all the time. But I just get impatient that we have this big weight on both of us that spoils things sometimes. And that bothers us both, I know it bothers you. I know you want to do things with me and are unable to. I know that you worry about me, and you worry about if I'm okay and keeping me happy. I know you don't want to hurt people, and people are getting hurt no matter what you're doing right now. I understand. And I'm sorry I bring this up.

I don't expect you to read this all. I don't expect you to know what to say or be able to just fix it all right as soon as I post this. Because that's unrealistic. But I just wanted to get it out there. To put it down and kinda feel better for a little bit that I said all of the things that sometimes get jumbled that I can't quite get out. Especially when I don't want to just say "I understand that you are hurting too. I understand that you are trying your best and that things are complicated. But you can't keep doing this to yourself over someone who doesn't have the decency to respect you or your happiness. Not to mention someone who has no regard for how you may feel about certain things she does or does not do".

Undertow

2011-11-25T19:53:00.001-08:00

I hate when you make me feel so insignificant. You don't try, you try not to nearly all of the time, but you don't realize how hard it is to read things and have this jealous and easily hurt girl inside who feels so much and so intensely.
I hate reading about your girlfriend, even if they're directed at me because all things considered I'm not. You have one of those, and she's not me. I'm not important, I'm nothing and if anyone asked that's exactly what I'd have to tell them "I am no one". I understand not wanting to hurt someone, I do. I know how hard it is to chance crushing someone's world, but sometimes the damage is greater than when nothing is said.

I hate wanting all of these things that I can't do. It frustrates me but I never want to say anything out of fear of pissing you off because it's something I bring up so often. I know it's not easy on anyone, and it's a shitty situation but god how I wish it was just over. I wish I'd finally have what I've been waiting and hoping for so long. Sometimes I can have the best of days and it doesn't bother me, the days when you put everything in you can just to show me how loved I am. But there are days when I'll get in a mood or a funk and it all slides downhill from there.

One question, post or my brain going off on it's own and I put myself into this nauseating, headache inducing funk that makes me feel like I am nothing and no one. Sometimes I feel like things won't change because you're such a caring person that you can't stand to hurt her. But you don't realize just how much you're hurting me. You're all I want, and I know that might seem silly but it's true.

Say Something

2011-11-22T14:39:00.001-08:00

I hate waiting. Waiting is probably not only the bane of my existence but also the one thing I cannot do no matter how hard I try. It's frustrating ya know? I mean when it's an exciting wait you're like a kid on Christmas, which can be a good anticipatory feeling. But when it's something you're nervous about it sits in your stomach and makes you nauseous. I hate not being able to do anything. I can only sit here, reading and making myself sick because I don't know what to do with myself.

It's an awful feeling because no matter how many people tell you good things come to those who wait or hang in there you still know that things could go badly. That you could lose something you want more than anything.

I hate feeling like a secret. Like no one can know who I am and seeing someone take the spot I should be. I feel like a selfish person, like what I have now isn't enough. It's stressful, it's sucky, I'm sure theres other adjectives but I can't think of any. I try to keep my cool, stay patient but there's always the what if factor.

Vicarious

2011-11-17T13:26:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling rather crafty today, yet I don't know what I want to make. I randomly get in these creative spurts where I'm like "ooh ooh ooh! I will make something!" and then it comes to ACTUALLY making it and I'm like "Blehhh no". Pretty sure that's abnormal just saying. I wish I could sew, I'd make some banging ass clothes. Maybe I'll try that over Thanksgiving break, it's not like I don't have enough clothes that are too small or in need of fixing up.

I nearly said Winter, but winter break is a few weeks from now and I am hoping to be quite busy and not bored on my floor tearing up fabric. Here's to hoping!

I really should be working on my essay but ughhhh so many pagesss! And I don't know how to start it. What do I start with "Hi my name is Sam and blahblahblah" and begin talking about myself? I think not. But I really don't have any clever ways to start an essay on why I am the way I am.

Also. I'm debating starting a relationship tumblr (if the boy is down with running it with me) in all of it's cheesy glory and give advice and post pictures and whatnot. Since we're both pretty good at the advice and between the two of us we've seen most everything. Good at helping ourselves? No way. Other people? Sure thing!

Certainty

2011-11-16T13:28:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I feel like I tell you "I love you" too much, other times I feel like it's not enough. I don't feel I can ever convey just how much you mean to me, especially after I didn't have you for so long. It's a scary thought you know. Thinking that one day you could have everything ripped away again, just like it was before.
Telling you that would put too much pressure on you though. I even get afraid telling you that you're my world could do the same, just because I don't want you to ever feel forced to stay.

I freak myself out far too often, but that's partially just because of how very important you are to me. The more I care, the more I worry. The things I worry about may seem ridiculous, but to me they are very real. I know that's frustrating. I know it has to drive you nuts, especially if it's because you feel like you aren't doing enough to fix it. Maybe it's because I need too much affection. I need small reminders and I love yous. Little messages and I miss yous. I'm a handful, I don't know why anyone would choose to stay with me.

I didn't think I could fall more in love with you, but apparently finding out just how much you need someone in your life does that to you. I don't like being the girl who says I "need" someone, I use to say I didn't need anyone, me against the world ya know? But not now. Now I can admit (with little hesitation) that without you in my life I am not as happy. I can't even fake happiness to the level you truly give me, and trust me I'm good at faking things with people. I can lie to myself, tell myself that I am happy with someone and that I love someone. I can write about it to tell myself all of these plans I've made, but when I'm sitting here and it's just me, I know the truth. I know that no one in the world compares to you, because you're my other half.

I feel like you were perfectly crafted for me and just me. Anytime I get to talk about you I like up. I can't help but smile and gush and get butterflies in my stomach and tell everyone all about you. You're the only person I've lit up like that for. You're the only one I've compared to every complicated but obviously head over heels couple who were destined for each other in tv and movies. That probably doesn't seem important, but to me it just...it clicks.

I want you with me everywhere I go. You're my ice breaker, the person that makes me less shy and that I know would never let anything happen to me. You're the person who can make me cry the hardest and smile the biggest. When I didn't have you I'd pray for a glimmer of you still loving me. When you went out and partied I'd hope you texted me just so that I could possibly get the terribly honest drunk you who slurs his typing but tells me everything he feels. I've loved you longer and harder than you've known, even when I was with someone else trying to convince myself I could stay.

The situation right now sucks, I know we both agree. But it gets so frustrating for me sometimes I don't know how to take it. My mind runs non stop, and I get tired of trying to keep up with telling it "no" like a child that I just cry. I know that's frustrating for you, it has to be even if you won't admit it. I wish I could tell you more without breaking down. I wish I could be completely calm when I tell you "I am upset because of X, Y and Z" but with you I just get so scared I'll fuck it up or make you rethink being with me. I get jealous over you. I know I shouldn't, I know you love me. But things get so twisted internally and it's hard to think any of your posts could ever be about me. It makes it worse when it's tagged for her page, because that's hers, not mine, but it's lovey. I get unsure, I get mixed signals and just get frustrated. I signed up for this though, so I feel like I can't complain. I knew what I was getting in to when I said I'd wait. I don't want to go anywhere anyways, so waiting is my heart's only option.

I get excited about a future with you. More excited than I have been for anything in my life. And you coming to visit for Christmas is both exciting and nerve wracking. I bring it up so much because I get nervous you won't come, and hearing you agree and say you're coming or talk about coming makes my whole day.

I never want you to feel taken for granted. I never want you to feel unloved or unappreciated. I want you to know that I always listen when you speak, even if I don't remember things sometimes. I never want you to question that I'm loyal, or if I'm ever going to leave, because I'm not. I can't see myself with anyone except you, because I know I'd be lying to myself if I said I could be with them and be happy.

Letter To Someone Like You

2011-11-15T17:41:00.000-08:00

This is for and because of my ex. I'm thinking i will make me feel better about all of the rude shit being spread about me so.

I've hated very few people as much as I truly abhor you. That's a lot coming from me, because I'm one of the most forgiving people you'll ever meet. You used me to promote your own happiness. I told myself it was okay in the situation, it's normal to want your significant other to be happy but the price was too high. You call me a bitch, a liar, a cheater, a piece of shit all for going in search of my own happiness, yet for eight months I sacrificed nothing but so that you had yours. I am a horrible person who "ripped your heart out and shattered it" because I could no longer deal with you putting me down and making me feel less then. I was near the point of begging when you'd threaten to leave, and I don't beg. I refuse to beg for anyone. I was in a constant state of terror because of you, because I never knew when you'd lash out and make me feel like I was 2 inches tall again. I don't know why I stayed as long as I did, maybe because I didn't want to be lonely. No one wants to be lonely. I never felt good enough because of you, and now I am right back to where I was five years ago. I feel horrible about myself, worse than I felt before we met. You weren't always a bad guy, no, if that were the case you wouldn't have charmed me. But you slowly turned into this selfish force who only cares about himself.

Your ex told you once that you "couldn't grow" and you didn't understand what she meant by it. I agree with her now looking back on it. You can never grow emotionally to be a fully functioning human. You will forever be trapped in a teen mindset of instant satisfaction and lashing out at people around you when you are angry. You will never grow into a bigger, better human being.

I cried when you insulted a girl's thighs because they look just like mine. You attacked me for it and turned it into me being a bad person and how they're fine, you made it as if you never said it. You pushed and pulled. My emotions didn't matter, if I was sad you wanted me to put on a happy face because you didn't want to deal with me being upset. You ignored the parts of me you didn't like about me. Were there times when you could be pleasant and wonderful? Yes. But the bad far outweighed the good and I just lied to myself to make it seem otherwise.

My friends knew, my family knew, everyone could see how I was slowly becoming more and more unhappy. And still you ignored it. You ignored anything that you didn't like. I wasn't allowed to be unhappy, and if I expressed it, it was pushed away. Do you know how that fucks a person up? Do you know how that makes them feel? I doubt you have any idea how you made me feel about myself.

I never felt pretty enough. I never felt smart enough. And you all but agreed if I ever said anything negative about myself. I know I'm smarter than you give me credit for, if I wasn't I couldn't have done all of your homework for you. You'd tell me I made myself sound miserable to be around, if you didn't know that more or less means you thought I was miserable to be around. You told me I was a bad person because I wasn't christian, and that it was evident by me breaking up with you. You'd remind me how you didn't love me all that much, and that I'd never be as good as certain people.

And the worst thing of all, you tried to poison me against the one person in this world who truly does love me the way someone should. You told me how he flirted with all of these women, and told them all the same thing. And of course you told me when I was upset with him because it was easier to get me to want to ignore him. What kind of human being does that? I never tried to poison you against your exes, even though they texted you at all hours of the night.

You try to play off like you're such a nice guy. Maybe I should have listened when you called yourself horrible. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to fix you, because I'm obviously not the right person for the job. Fuck you for making me worry more, for making my anxiety worse and for making me question every move I make while I'm back where I should be. I can't stop worrying I'm going to mess this up like I mess everything up. No it's not all your fault, I'll give you that. But having someone freak out at random when you do the smallest things doesn't help the situation. I can't stop worrying now, about anything and do you know how that feels? Do you know how it feels to worry that you're so undeserving that the person you love most is going to leave you? I'm sure you don't because that would require you giving a fuck about someone other than yourself. I should have never gone back on my decision in April. I'd be so much happier and better off. I'd be further along with Aaron that I am now in working on us. And things wouldn't be half as complicated for our situation as they are.

I'm where I want to be. I am in love with the person I should be in love with.

Telling Ghosts

2011-11-13T14:18:00.001-08:00

Today I am having a very paranoid day. Out of nowhere I was walking through Walmart and then BAM hit out of nowhere in the pet aisle. I'm thinking it's just a residual thing from worrying about the upcoming holidays and not being use to expressing how I felt without someone being upset about that (And actually glad I said I was upset instead of choking it up).

So, instead of being calm and collected about this I'm in a tad bit of "Omg what if I fucked up" mode. While this is most likely not the case (I'm sure I'll find out later), I can't shake that feeling. Chances are it's just hormonal and I'm being ridiculous, as per usual since I am a huge worrier. But I don't want to fuck this up again, this relationship means a lot to me, as does fixing everything that happened before.

I think I worry more this time because I'm still not fully with the whole "Not leaving again staying for good" thing. My brain is still in worry mode trying to be guarded and shit because it's a tad bit afraid.

If that makes any sense at all.

You Can't Stop Me

2011-11-12T20:42:00.000-08:00

Okay so, prefacing this by saying I loatheeee people talking about me, especially if it isn't true. Now, no one likes it. But it drives me batshit crazy. But anyway, aside from my ex telling everyone I'm a bitch and a liar and a cheater and whatever else he possibly can things are going well.

They aren't quite where I want them to be yet, but working towards them. I forgot how happy I use to be and that's quite sad. I also forgot that settling down doesn't require settling, never never settle.

But, all in all I'm happy and super excited. Hopefully Christmas goes off as planned and I get to have my company and all of these things I've been missing for quite a while.

Hopefully fixing this thing up will inspire me to post more.

You Know How I Do

2011-10-25T14:06:00.000-07:00

Alright, so. In effort to stay on top of this thing and not neglect it, I've posted once again this week! I know I know, a miracle really, but I'm trying. I've been in a pretty big rut, but I'm getting out of it so writing more shall be in.

I have sooo much work to do and no desire to do it! I'm terribly tired of essays that have no point to them (i.e. interviewing a person, but written as an essay) and tests. Two a week is a bit ridiculous, especially when they're not all that easy.
Anywho, I am super productive at Xbox and Movie watching, so if there could possibly ever be a test on that I'll do great on it. I just don't have the motivation to do my tests and essays/study for tests. A weekend or even 4 sporadic days off during a week don't help in the least, I just want an extended break of nothingness where I can sleep and not worry about having stuff due.

Fuck I miss not being a student, I also miss my former school something fierce. I at least didn't have to be there 3 hours early for a parking spot and lose like 90% of my day to shit.

What The Water Gave Me

2011-10-23T19:55:00.001-07:00

So, I've legit neglected this blog. I've written paper entries but not typed them up. Normally I do the paper ones in my hour off waiting around if the car is parked too far to make it there, write, go back to the school. So anyway.

I'm actually pretty content with life right now I guess. I mean it's not perfect, far from it to be honest, but I'm happy. I wasn't super happy (as was obvious) before. Why I was bringing myself down for the ideals of my (now) ex s/o was ridiculous. It was unrealistic, it wasn't making me happy, it wasn't healthy for me.

I deserve to be happy. More than that I deserve someone who doesn't make me change who I am, what I want. Who doesn't guilt me into things, who doesn't play the blame game. You get tired of being the bad guy, you get tired of feeling like you aren't good enough. But, I remembered what it is I've wanted all along.

My ex (who, isn't an ex but isn't a boyfriend-yet) has been there for the past 4 years. New relationships, moving, seeing me at my best and my worst. He's heard me drunk and slurring how much I hate him because I was hurt, he's been with me through people dying, he is the only person who knows every facet of my personality and can tell from me typing/texting one word if I am happy or sad. That. That is what makes me happy, that is the person that makes me happy. My S/O wasn't a bad person, but he was not the right person for me to be healthy. I am healthy now.

A.H isn't perfect. He has flaws, but they are flaws I've grown to love. We aren't perfect together, we fight and bicker sometimes, we have had our fair share of problems, but just hearing him talk and I know I'm okay. I'm sure that sounds insanely cliche and hopeless romantic and whatnot, but it's the truth. He can snap me from my absolute worst moods, and he's put up with his fair share of verbal abuse at my hands when I get upset. Regardless of all of this, he still loves me. While things are complicated this is where I want and need to be. It's where I'm suppose to be.

So, I guess things are gonna start being built from there. If that is what he wants. Rebuilding the past, fixing things and learning how to be together all over again. We've never been "just friends", but I think we're slowly learning how to help the other and improve on where we went wrong last time.

Ear Infection From Hell

2011-10-01T11:04:00.000-07:00

I've never had an ear infection and I'm pretty sure this is the worst thing ever, and I've shattered a tail bone. After some very long weeks of waiting for it to go away and finally going to the doctors yesterday I have drops and antibiotics and am hopefully on the way to getting better.

This shit is painful I won't even lie.

This is insanely long and rambly

2011-09-26T13:45:00.000-07:00

The amount of tools walking around this campus is astronomical. With their yellow and red Famous Stars and Strips shirts, yellow and red shorts, and big orange fake tans. Even Vinny and Pauly D would be asking them if they participated daily in Fist Pump, Push Up, Chap stick. Even their tattoo choices are a piss poor attempt at looking tougher than they really are.

The females at least seem less "lookit me lookit me". It's a very lazy atmosphere of sweat pants and t-shirts in girl world, a look I can get behind . With this new hour long gap between classes I've found a small bench in a back courtyard.
Ew dear god I was just passed by a doppelganger of the kid I lost my vcard to. Bald and facial hair is not a good look...for anyone.

People seem to match with their own age groups here. I don't much fit in with 20's and drunk. I did when I was younger but now it's the "settled and laid back" for me. Out of being here 30 minutes I'm still at zero people spoken to. This 2 hour gap due to test day is killer. Can't I just opt not to go to class? I did in high school.

Eves dropping on older people's convos is fascinating. They just drop their life story right there on the table. Not quite as bad as old men though. They meet someone, share their family's info, breezing past pleasantries and right into bowel movements. The other day I had to hear about why a guy took magazines and it's correlation to his state of relaxation. How do people even think that's okay?!

This could be my future career in detective work. Pretty sure they don't even think I'm listening. A skill carefully honed by my many years of a nosy childhood. My mother quickly learned not to trust that I wasn't somewhere listening. This has also sealed the deal on how easy my place essay will be. A few pages of sitting in a tattoo shop watching people? No problemo!

This dude keeps staring like I want to talk. Any other time I would, but today is strictly observation. I really could play up this deaf thing. My hearing is getting back to where it was (which is impeccable in case that was in question). But I got so use to not responding to odd sounds (since everything sounded odd and underwater), it's just easier not to.

Class change has to be the worst part about this spot. The giggly...I'm not even sure what they are, but shit they're annoying. It gets insanely noisy when the cattle move between corrals. The badass women in leather jackets and boots are my obvs favs though. Esp the ones who's face is uncharacteristic of said badassery. Esp when she whipped out a romance novel. This couple walking their pitbull was probably my fav of the day however. Wtf were they even doing with him on a school campus?

If I hear one more frat boy call our ghetto girl hoedown I will push them into a support beam. Also this old man passing that smelled like Boyfriend is creeping me out. Why would a 60 year old biker wear AXE? Thank god, the gremlins went back to class, only 45 more minutes until my endeavor is done. Which is great because my ass has completely fallen asleep, if you're reading this far, you probably have too. This place is quite filled with vets, and we aren't talking animal doctors. Smokers square seems to be their hang out to talk. I like listening to their stories. They aren't war stories or talks of grandeur like old men tell. They all seem to just talk about why they chose the branch they chose.

Pretty sure my legs on bench tactic didn't work to advert potential sitters. They are now talking about their tattoos, this is a subject I can get behind. Mostly because I'm more decorated than most humans. My god I wish Attila The Hun would move, my discomfort from sitting this way is unbearable.

I feel slightly out of place since I wasn't there and I'm surrounded by people discussing it. I'm not material for that profession. I'm so not an order taker (well, sometimes <.<) I'm also still not use to northerners.

OMG DAYCAREKIDS, I need the babies. I could so have one and bring her to daycare here. I'd go visit her between classes. This is why I need a baby. Free daycare, visit when I'm on break from class, I'd be poor as all get out but famuhleeeee! Jesus I just sounded like a high school girl.

While the vets are talking this creepy old lady is eves dropping. She doesn't even look normal like me, she just looks stalkery. Oh how I wish I didn't have another class. It's such a nice day and I'm wasting away on a bench. Now stalker lady is discussing military with them and staring dude is back, who is apparently also ex military. JESUS WHAT AM I THE ONLY ONE ON CAMPUS?! But staring guy reminds me of Sam from Rookie Blue, he's not that creepy looking because of it.

They're discussing benefits and school being paid for, so unfair. I want grants and free school. They all make me feel so young! I'm not even but my god. Oooh internships now. Stare-y is a psych major as well.
They're whining that their credits weren't transferred. Pft. I paid and they still didn't transfer boo hoo. Apparently Stare-y is a huge tool, I'm loving the drama. It's also being discussed that he was kicked out because of attitude, well he was a bit pretentious. Maybe I didn't mind because I have an adoration for egos (well when it comes to s/o). S/O has a huge ego, which is my favorite.

Finally! It's almost class time in approx. 5-10 minutes you'll be saved from my incessant rambling.

I could be a more rambly version of gossip girl in all fairness. I should include more images though. Faces would have to be blurred of course. But finally time to put the notebook together since this is 7 or so written pages. And to go to English class since I haven't written enough today or anything.

Back At One

2011-09-25T13:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got to go see Lion King with mi madre, which brought back a ton of my childhood. Not that I haven't seen it since it was in theaters or I was a kid but I hadn't had quite the same feeling as I had back then. All I could think of was "god I want a kid" during the whole time watching the cute little girls come in all dressed up. I could do without a loud obnoxious boy, a cute little boy yes, though I haven't seen many of those around lately.

I have far too much to do today and no damn motivation. 7 page case study, essay revision, and some studying for a test tomorrow and here I am laying in bed looking at amusing images, no bueno. Today has been a very uneasy day, if that makes any sense. Lots of remembering my ex out of nowhere, and not the nice cuddly kind that you remember and it's sad you broke up. No no. We're talking the douchebag you couldn't get far enough away from even if you sling shoted his ass to Pluto (which is still a planet idgaf). I don't know why or where it came from. There I was in the shower trying to get excessive amounts of hairspray out and then it just crept in. It was this awful sickening feeling and started to wrap itself around my current relationship. I have no idea why. My s/o is nothing like my ex, not in any way shape and or form so why it tried to bother me today after 5 years I'll never know.

Follow Me Down

2011-09-23T15:02:00.001-07:00

I've never been normal, god how cliche that sounds. I wasn't a normal kid, I wasn't a normal teen. I can't say I'm a normal adult, hell I can't even claim to be an adult.
The other day in personalities class he had us look at an inkblot and all I could think of was "That's either a puppy or a rib cage...". Later on Dr.B told us that if you saw an animal, according to that it was thought that you were immature, and if you saw severed body parts then you were thought to be a bit disturbed. Where exactly does that put me?

I am insanely dependent. Not in an "Oh god if you leave I'll kill myself" sort of way, more so in a way that I like having a partner in crime. I like having someone to confide in that's my best friend who keeps my secrets and has the same sense of humor I do. Whether that be relationship, friendship, or both is irrelevant. I hate making choices, I hate feeling second best. I don't know where I got this insane need to always be number 1. The best kisser you've ever had, the best friend you've ever known, the person you've loved the most. There's just something in me that always feels insanely let down when I don't know I'm the best, I'm number one and theres no one better. Of course it's not realistic, it's never going to be realistic. But god the feeling is awful when I know it's not true.

I know I'm not my s/o's favorite. I know I'm not the person they have loved more than anything in their life. I know I'm not my best friend's number 1 friend. And that kills. I don't know how that started. I don't know what prompted it or why. Then again I don't know what really prompted anything I do, it's just one of those things that exist.

Gotta Start Somewhere

2011-09-22T19:57:00.000-07:00

Being as late as it is in my time, and having class tomorrow this won't be long.
But I figured I'd get something down, gotta have a beginning eventually. Hopefully I keep up with this, this time around.