I want to talk about it but I can't. I just, I can't. And you hate me, and I don't blame you for it. I really don't. I wish you'd tell me you hated me, scream at me, tell me all of the things I already think you're saying in your head.

You're the only person I never want to disappoint or let down. And I keep doing that over and over and over.

There's two people on this Earth I'm afraid of. One's getting out of jail and one lives two hours from me. Two very small hours, and I drink every time I'm down there not to think about it. I don't know if I'd be afraid if I saw him anymore, I'm sure I easily dwarf him height and size wise. He was a tiny little shit, maybe that's why he was such a sociopath.

I didn't think I'd get fixed after that but I did. I don't know how. Or rather I do, and it was in some of the worst ways, but I think I would be a shell if it hadn't happened how it did. I really owe such a level of gratitude to the kid who got me out of that place of mind and here he goes and apologizes for treating me like shit. Lol Who'd have thought.

I don't know why but it just gets me to thinking about this kid. This kid who means more to me than anything and I don't think he realizes it. His heart's a mess, I know it is. But I refuse to ever quit on him. I know he thinks one day I will, maybe that's why he's so afraid to stick around but I wouldn't quit on him. I call the girl who's with my fake of an ex pathetic, but honestly if I were in her position I wouldn't know what to do. I think I'd have to find some way to get around it, only on the premise he only told the truth from then on.

It's not perfect, nothing's ever perfect. Sometimes her hurts my feelings but that's anything, that's what happens in life with people when they interact. And mostly it's only when he picks on me too long, because I'd honestly sell everything I had for a few minutes of sweet from him. Ridiculous to say right? That someone could make you give away all of your worldly possessions for a few minutes of affection with them.

He once said that part of him wished when he came back that I wasn't with anyone else because I just wanted to be with him. I'd rather be single than not have anyone but him. And it was in all seriousness completely something I feel. For the past while I've filled time with people so that I didn't overwhelm him. He doesn't need my jealousy and my overbearing, but I think in doing that he doesn't realize how much I care.

Maybe he feels like he's replaceable to me? He's not. He's anything but. When the world is falling apart he's really the only person who can set it right on it's feet and make me feel like I have a place in it. And he's the only person I've been able to talk about endlessly and not have to come up with cheesy cliche lines to appease them. Everything is 100% felt. 100% meant and I wish he saw that.

I wish that when it comes down to it I'd go to the end of the earth just to see his face.

I had a dream and you were there. You were beautiful and angry. And she was calling my phone and threatening me. Except she sounded more like a he than a she, and did the threats through a series of songs instead of words. And JLynn ran and got you because I was curled up in a ball the way I always do when I'm upset.

You ran out all angry and pissed off at being disturbed but then you took me to bed when you saw I was upset.

I swear that dream sat in my head all day. You were just so perfect and I didn't want to let it go. I miss you.