I feel like I messed something up, or I'm losing him. I mean it fits the pattern, so why shouldn't I worry? Quiet and avoidant, then boom over. I know it might be because of what happened, which is really understandable. But I'm so scared that it's all falling apart no matter how hard I try to tell myself not to worry and that everything is fine. It is not fine. I do not feel fine.

Over the course of a couple days I have watched 4 seasons of Bones. Slight addiction.

I've been worrying more than normal lately, which is silly because I'm sure to other people my worrying wouldn't be rational, but I can't help it. Any time I try to get past it and get fixed it doesn't work, which makes me get down on myself.
I don't feel like it's fair that my friends get to see their significant others after knowing them like 2 months either. I mean really? Not fair at all.

This all sounded better when I was thinking about it in the shower and whatnot, but I always suck when I actually sit down to write.

I hate New Years Eve. Loathe.
I'm going to sleep through it this year and hope things don't go badly since they do. Like 99% of the time.

Christmas wasn't unbearably awful, it didn't feel much like Christmas this year though. I didn't get to talk to the boy pretty much at all, which is something I really wanted for Christmas. I really didn't get to talk to anyone, which made it kind of lonely especially when my parents operate on different schedules than I do.

I know I'm suppose to be happy and thankful for what I have. That there are kids all over who don't have anything to eat, but I can't get into the mindset of "Christmas is suppose to be joyous". I've tried, I've been trying.
I like Christmas when things are well, I like them when things are going well and I have something to look forward to. Especially when I don't feel so lonely and my parents aren't dreading celebrating it.

My mom tries so hard, I know she does. She tries to take me to go find things I might like, but it's not what I truly wanted this year, I didn't even want gifts. I feel like it's never going to happen, it hasn't already so why should things change in my favor?
But what's worse is trying not to ruin other people's holiday with my mood. I just kind of keep quiet and don't want to talk much because I'm sad.

I don't feel like I can look at the "At least we're together" aspect, because we aren't. There is still other people involved and I don't even get him to myself for Christmas. I want something to look forward to and be happy about. I knew there was going to be big surprises and exciting things but now it's kind of like "Well what do I have to look forward to". My family? My parents don't really even want to celebrate because of my grandmother being here and that I didn't even want to be here. Which I don't blame them for at all.

My friends are all off with their respective partners/families and I'm kinda just sitting here looking for something really good to look forward to.

I sound so selfish. I really do.

So, pretty much Christmas is ruined. As is most of if not all of my winter vacation. I should have known it would be, I haven't had a decent holiday all year.
I don't have words for how sad I am, at this point I don't even want to go downstairs and see our tree all lit up.

I told my mom I didn't want presents earlier this month, I told her I just wanted him here for Christmas. And she kept asking over and over what I want, and now I don't even have to pretend to be happy about opening presents because I'm not going to be.

Yay Christmas. /sarcasm

So, this week has been pretty stressful. I don't really know what's going on with my trip, and that makes me pretty nervous. I've been hoping for a Christmas miracle of some sort just because this is so very very important to me. Or some way for things to work out so I don't have to wait until the summer.
I also have finals and things this week which make that worse because I'm bleh wanting things to go right.

A few months ago, around my birthday I got really depressed. I guess it was a combo of the stress of my birthday being mixed with not having anyone here to celebrate with and being in a very unhappy relationship. My best friend and my ex were the only people I told. I was getting bad with habits I have and I was absolutely miserable.
My best friend was the only person who I actually felt cared. And I didn't want to tell Aaron, because he was happy and I didn't want to admit that I made a mistake in not fixing things with us when I had the chance. Which I regret all the time.

I miss my best friend a lot lately. She made me a birthday video and watching it now turns me into a big sobbing snotty boob, it's kinda pathetic on my part really. But i don't feel like I have someone like that anymore. She use to be home with me all the time and when I had class I'd call her before/after classes and tell her all about my day. Everything changed when she moved, now I feel like she couldn't care less about how I am or whats going on. I miss having a friend who puts as much effort into friendships as I do, and doesn't mind having to talk to me about stuff when I get upset about it.

I'm really nervous for Christmas. Because he's suppose to be here and I'm afraid that won't happen. I'm afraid if I hope too hard and get too excited there is no chance of it happening. I know that's probably a bad way of looking at things, but holidays aren't really ever good to me. I don't think I've had a good one in a very very long time, so this is important to me. Of course my family has done the "if it doesn't happen no moping" thing but that really won't be helpful. Because I'll mope regardless.

Anyway. Heres to hoping!