You don't get it. How are you that blind? Really?

and losing sleep adds so much time
the days can drag my bleeding mind
into a state of jagged shock
that twists and winds but never stops
and dreams are memories as well
and some of them read just like hell
if your could be my only friend
I'd cherish all the time we spend
and though we're so infrequent now
our hearts dance somewhere anyhow
so many make our lives seem cheap
and in the end we all must sleep

Five motnhs ago I was in this same situation, I was that other woman while someone in a shitty relationship decided that they wanted me. But was it really me? Was it really me they wanted and not just the feeling of forgetting they're in a shitty relationship? I mean I am an awesome girlfriend. You don't have to question if I'm up to no good, or who I'm with. You don't have to try and track me down or worry that you'll hit voicemail because I'm up to no good and with someone or doing something you don't want me to.
Late nights, talking, texting, it's all the same game for me. It's always the same, but then no one realizes in the end they're going to walk away. It's not the first time, I doubt it'll end up the last. I'm somehow doomed the other woman sometimes it seems.

So what's wrong with me taking a different path this time? I'm saying no, I won't wait around while you decide to get your things in order, or do what you don't want to do. I don't care if someone is unstable, why must they always be unstable? I don't care if you don't have the heart to do that to someone. I do.
I have the heart to break someone's and to not worry that they'll do something foolish. I've come to terms with it not being my fault if they do.

No one realizes the simplest things and how much they mean. Someone who knows what's wrong from a change in my voice, or if my pace changes when walking. Someone who's stayed up with me all night, and has seen me turn into a wreck at the drop of a hat.
Those things mean something, I don't know why. But they do.
I don't know how many people are willing to stick around to learn that, but damn it gets exhausting trying to see how many people try.

I want to try something I haven't tried and gone for something that I haven't gone for. I want to see if I fail, if I do that's unfortunate, if I don't great! See where it goes.

I miss arguments. The heated kind where you're all sorts of angry and you want to rip their throats out, but at the end you both crumble and apologize and fix things. I miss all sorts of things. Maybe I should make a list for all that I miss haha.

“Because this is what happens when you try to run from the past. it doesn't just catch up: it overtakes, blotting out the future, the landscape, the very sky, until there is no path left except that which leads through it, the only one that can ever get you home.”

I go between being very dark and moody and happy and okay with hopefulness in certain aspects.

There's this song, and it came from an ex when I was 13. It wasn't a particularly bad or good relationship, pretty neutral, but I just remember how he'd give me songs with all of this music. I think it was the first night we met each other that a friend introduced us he brought me a CD with 115 songs on it. And Leftover Crack-Operation M.O.V.E was on it.
I liked most of the songs on it, not all. But that one has come to be my favorite from that CD over time.
I guess that doesn't seem relevant until I put it in context. LOC is not a well known band, not by mainstream standards, and not by most people's standards. It's sort of a true punk type of band I guess, die hard and whatnot. Lee was all of those things, and while I couldn't stand being in a relationship with the guy for his own personal issues, I grew an adoration for punks, mostly ones that aren't self proclaimed.

I've dated all sorts of people, but have for the most part had a type that wasn't like this at all.
When I was 16, I got out of my mother's form of rehab. Upstate New York City, no phone, in the middle of nowhere, watching a 13 year old when she went out with her friends. This was over my 16th birthday too, which was always fun for me for the month and a half I was up there, maybe longer.

When I got back I was leaving a bad relationship, first one I'd had since my really bad one. I have a notorious bad relationship track record. But that's where I met Joe.
My first day at ATC, I walked into that office and sat down and he just started talking. Asking my name, talking to me about who even knows what, and he had his liberty spikes, and the best plaid pants this side of Florida and just was fantastic. I'm pretty sure he was the only other person who knew who LOC was too.

I don't know why that makes a difference, but somehow it does and I took it as a sign that the first person I met welcomed me and knew who this band was from my last neutral relationship before I got all fucked up was. It's just held something I've held close I guess.

Joe and I were never particularly close, it just wasn't something we really were. But the thing I remembered most about him before he got up here was A. Before I dated another guy at the school, I had the biiiiiiiggest crush on him. And B. He saw me dip my fries in my frosty, so he got me to try my nuggets in them too, and from there we bonded.

When Joe moved up here I took it as a sign. I go between signs and lack there of quite often. Sometimes I think there are signs, sometimes I think there aren't. But I was with someone at the time so I didn't go visit because I knew it'd probably cause some turmoil in the relationship, even if it was just a friendship. After about a year of him being here, I finally set it up, as per talked about in the Philly journal.
And looking back on it that was something I really really needed, because it's been so amazingly long since someone even did those trivial things with me, like push me over to flood a city first, or try to electrocute each other. Okay well, he staticed me, I got him to electrocute himself...

But from there, and the Aquarium we really got to know each other better, which is nice. I loved having someone to open up to and give me relationship advice when I need it and who respected my relationship boundaries. Problem being when the relationship went well. Idk where it went it was just gone having feelings left for all of those simple things I missed so much, combined with the crush I once had and combine that with someone cuddling with me and rubbing my drunk ass back, and trying to figure out all of this.

It's frustrating to feel like there are all these things falling into place, even for a temporary amount of time, that seem so hopeful but also seem like they're just full of despair.

Aaron abandoned me. Just up and disappeared on me and that is like a knife in the chest. And then there was this amazing person who kept me from falling apart completely, and let me drink there because he probably knew it was safer. Idk. Just assuming there. Everyone knows I drink myself to oblivion, and I out drank the Irish so. Yanno. But after that night all of these signs and dreams kept occuring and I took them as good, and now they could be bad and just ugh. It's impossible to feel like two people not just one but TWO people in succession after having all of these horrible things happening in relationships either A. Your 4 years drops you on your ass, after some pretty bad shit goes on. Or B. The person who is really there for you doesn't like you even though all signs pointed another way

Just shoot me. Please. Like. I'm tired and I'm tired of all of these bad things, and I just want something to go right for once and be normal and happy and I am just tired of being dragged through the mud and getting speeches on finding someone when I'm older. I'm not exactly 16.

“Well, it's New Year's now but I don't feel that way anymore. I wonder if you do either. Something's happening to me. It's like I'm shrinking smaller and smaller and I can't stop it. There's just so much wrong that I can't imagine the shame in admitting even the tiniest part of it. When you left it was like there was this huge gap to fill, but instead of spreading wide enough to do it I just fell right in, and I'm still falling. Like I'm half-asleep, and I can't wake up, can't wake up....”

I hate you.
That is all.

I've neglected this for a while. I don't know why. I've had so many things to say but not put them down, I've just been holding them in and letting them slowly blow up.
I've been slowly self destructing, watching it all slowly unfold in front of me, and just watching it burn. But that's what I wanted isn't it? Things aren't well? Destroy it all. It's how I've always been, what I've always done. And at least for a millisecond everything is quiet, my head is quiet, my chest doesn't search to feel that rush, to feel pieces fall back into place for a flash of time, only to shatter again.
I don't know what's going on. I feel like I'm drowning and everything is spinning. I feel like no matter what I do, no matter what I grab on to, it's going to slip away.
Drink. Fuck. Repeat. And you know what? It doesn't fix a goddamn thing. It doesn't get better, it doesn't change things. It just fills that hole for the moment. And it feels like it's more broken when it's done.

I feel like you don't give a shit. Like I matter less than anyone else in this world. And you know what? You haven't done a thing to change that.

Am I self destructive? Yes. But that's how I am. That is who I am. And I manage it fine. I manage me fine. Because when it comes down to it, I take care of me. I fix me. I repair me. My walls are sky high because if I let them down for one second. Just one. You do something that crushes me so I have to build a thicker ridge.
Don't you get it? Don't you understand all I want is you? But you make excuses, you damage it just to get me away. And then you yell at me. You make me feel like it's all my fault. No matter what I do it's not right. I'll always be the bad guy. I'll always be the person everyone leans on, and the person who fixes them, but when I need it, when I need everything to go okay for a bit? Not a chance.

I'm sure none of this make sense. I'm sure it'll get brushed off and won't even be cared about.

I dare you to care about me. I double dog dare you to tell me I'm wrong.