Friends wonder why I hate my grandmother, I mean people don't generally hate granny. But she really is this awful person, it's not just a "oh she thinks ridiculous things and has no boundaries". But she's manipulative like there is no tomorrow.

There's a cheesy line in a song, that stupid one about "hate is a strong word, but I really really really don't like you". That's sort of how I feel right now.

I'm angry at you for never following through. In all of the times you said you'd do something you never did. You never managed to follow through with a single goddamn thing. I made excuse after excuse for you. In 6 years you've never done anything you've said you were going to do, while I gave up 

A little over a week ago one of my oldest and closest friends died. Part of me feels guilty for never posting anything publicly but I was waiting to find this picture, which of course I couldn't find. No one really wants to hear every memory I have, and I get that. I mean his fiance might but right now she needs to lean and to vent. My memories aren't even about anything particularly emotional. I'm not upset from a place of love but because in the end he truly became one of the very few people I could count on. I met Pat after one of the most abusive periods in my life with someone who really fucked me up. I got into this really special program that only 2 kids from our school got into and the other was my best friend at the time since we'd applied together. I saw Pat at orientation and back then I had a thing for goth boys. I damn near ripped her arm out of the socket trying to follow him around the school. At that point in time I had just gotten out of a summer stay in a place where I had no phone reception and I was states away from everyone I knew to keep me from partying. When I went into my family's idea of drying out/rehab with extended family I was a 15 year old who drank 6 out of 7 days a week and was putting away a bottle a night. I followed that shit up with whatever pills I could get my hands on and started washing it down with letting dudes feel me up or trying to get into my pants. Granted, I wasn't a huge hussy at this point I deff had 2 one night stands under my belt because I just. didn't. care. I wanted to die. My goal was to party until my heart stopped. The tipping point for all of this was when I thought I was pregnant. Dude was 23 and I was 15, so super illegal and his fiance was pissed off. He was some popular guy from a local band that had just started getting noticed and didn't want it getting out that he had been with someone under the age of consent. He told me if I was he'd pay for me to get rid of it, so that it didn't ruin his life like I had. And that I was a worthless whore who should go kill herself. Cue more drinking and branding myself with big words as to how I felt about myself. Anyway. What did this have to do with Pat? He had to deal with this when we met. He was the first guy I'd interacted with since I'd been back in any sort of friend sense. How did we become friends? I knew the words to Absinthe with Faust better than him, which he was impressed by since it was his fav band until his death. When we became more than friends he dealt with this incredibly broken human being who was probably really difficult to get close to and love. And then after we split and I was able to look at him without too much heartache we became awesome friends. I was able to count on him for anything for over a decade. It didn't matter what was going on, he was willing to drop everything and help. He was my relationship confidant. He was willing to bail me out of sticky financial situations. He was willing to listen to me vent and cry and bitch even 10 years later. He dealt with more panic attacks than anyone should have to. He even had his friends take me in post break-up so that I wasn't so alone because he was more okay with being by himself and wanted me to feel supported and cared about while at school. 12 years ago I met my first love. He was just as jaded with the world as I was. This abused kid from a sunny beach town who hated the beach because his dad ruined everything good about it. He fell in love for a very short period with a girl 2 hours away who was in love with the beach but who couldn't trust anyone. And somehow they became this awesome friendship duo as adults who didn't judge each other for any of the poor life decisions the other made. I'm mad at you Pat. I'm fucking angry because you knew better, and you knew to reach out to me instead of hiding it. Damn you dude. Legit damn you. Because you shouldn't be gone.