Sometimes I swear I'm one of the most impatient people on the planet. Nothing comes fast enough, and I really do believe "patience is a virtue" is just there to keep me from what I want.
It's hard when you want something so badly that waiting even an instant seems like an eternity, most certainly when you just want to talk all about it. Sometimes it makes me feel like a bad person. Especially since I feel like I'm doing things at the cost of other people, but I really feel like they could never appreciate what I want like I do.

I don't know how to describe it really. It's a pang of sadness mixed in with the excitement. Sadness/Worry/Excitement/Happiness and all of these emotions all rolled up in to one little ball. It's terribly frustrating though.

Please just happen now. Like right now

---

Mini Rant but. In letter form yayyy.

I'm frustrated with our situation because I feel like you are trying to be too good in all of this. Not that you're bad, but I think that's why I'm most upset. Despite all of the lies you were told and all of the ones you still don't have answered. I feel like you're trying to still make the best of the situation, even in ending when you deserve better than that. I mean, I know having loved someone you don't want to hurt them, but there isn't much love in someone who can't be real with you. Not in my opinion at least. I feel like you're missing out on things, things you really want because you're so focused on not hurting someone, which really isn't something you should have to do. I know I have no room to talk. I know I stayed for a long time in a situation where I didn't want to be out of fear of what someone would do and hurting them, but sometimes I think you just have to do it because if not you miss out on great things, or time doing things. I also feel like you put your own happiness at stake because of a worry. You tell me not to worry, so now it's my turn to tell you not to worry.

I know it sounds like I say this because I want you to myself. Which, I won't lie is partially true, but even just as a friend I'd tell you the same thing. I don't feel like you hear all of what I say because I can't have an objective view in all of this. Which I understand, I mean coming from me it sounds like all I care about is what I want and not what you want. And I'm sorry for sounding selfish, for pushing you into directions. I don't want to sound like that, or like someone who only cares about their own benefit. And no I'm not doing homework tyvm for asking.

I love you. I have always loved you and I will always love you. Nothing is going to ever change that. But I do worry. I can't help but worry because I don't have you, well I guess I do but without titles. It just seems so scary. I hate holding things back and not doing all of the things I'd love to do. Like give you mushy posts on tumblr or make you pictures and comments for when you come home. I've even sorta held off on the layout because of it, which I'm sure sounds silly.

I don't want you to feel like I'm only focused on myself in all of this. I've had long talks with Meatball quite a few nights a week and we talk about it and how I feel about it. How things are progressing with us and I have to tell her no mafia hits and no cement shoes. Even though she's my friend, who wants me happy, she's also your friend who wants you happy. She's told me so. She's told me she wants us back together already because we're one of the only mushy couples she thinks deserve it...aside from her situation of course. Pftt meatball putting herself first! Who does she think she is.

I do understand though. I stayed in a situation because of someone's emotional stability and their mental mindset. And I missed out on some really great things. I missed out on you the first time. I'm not saying I'll leave. I'm not saying I'm going anywhere or doing anything, and I hate that it's something big that we have to discuss all the time. But I just get impatient that we have this big weight on both of us that spoils things sometimes. And that bothers us both, I know it bothers you. I know you want to do things with me and are unable to. I know that you worry about me, and you worry about if I'm okay and keeping me happy. I know you don't want to hurt people, and people are getting hurt no matter what you're doing right now. I understand. And I'm sorry I bring this up.

I don't expect you to read this all. I don't expect you to know what to say or be able to just fix it all right as soon as I post this. Because that's unrealistic. But I just wanted to get it out there. To put it down and kinda feel better for a little bit that I said all of the things that sometimes get jumbled that I can't quite get out. Especially when I don't want to just say "I understand that you are hurting too. I understand that you are trying your best and that things are complicated. But you can't keep doing this to yourself over someone who doesn't have the decency to respect you or your happiness. Not to mention someone who has no regard for how you may feel about certain things she does or does not do".

I hate when you make me feel so insignificant. You don't try, you try not to nearly all of the time, but you don't realize how hard it is to read things and have this jealous and easily hurt girl inside who feels so much and so intensely.
I hate reading about your girlfriend, even if they're directed at me because all things considered I'm not. You have one of those, and she's not me. I'm not important, I'm nothing and if anyone asked that's exactly what I'd have to tell them "I am no one". I understand not wanting to hurt someone, I do. I know how hard it is to chance crushing someone's world, but sometimes the damage is greater than when nothing is said.

I hate wanting all of these things that I can't do. It frustrates me but I never want to say anything out of fear of pissing you off because it's something I bring up so often. I know it's not easy on anyone, and it's a shitty situation but god how I wish it was just over. I wish I'd finally have what I've been waiting and hoping for so long. Sometimes I can have the best of days and it doesn't bother me, the days when you put everything in you can just to show me how loved I am. But there are days when I'll get in a mood or a funk and it all slides downhill from there.

One question, post or my brain going off on it's own and I put myself into this nauseating, headache inducing funk that makes me feel like I am nothing and no one. Sometimes I feel like things won't change because you're such a caring person that you can't stand to hurt her. But you don't realize just how much you're hurting me. You're all I want, and I know that might seem silly but it's true.

I hate waiting. Waiting is probably not only the bane of my existence but also the one thing I cannot do no matter how hard I try. It's frustrating ya know? I mean when it's an exciting wait you're like a kid on Christmas, which can be a good anticipatory feeling. But when it's something you're nervous about it sits in your stomach and makes you nauseous. I hate not being able to do anything. I can only sit here, reading and making myself sick because I don't know what to do with myself.

It's an awful feeling because no matter how many people tell you good things come to those who wait or hang in there you still know that things could go badly. That you could lose something you want more than anything.

I hate feeling like a secret. Like no one can know who I am and seeing someone take the spot I should be. I feel like a selfish person, like what I have now isn't enough. It's stressful, it's sucky, I'm sure theres other adjectives but I can't think of any. I try to keep my cool, stay patient but there's always the what if factor.

I'm feeling rather crafty today, yet I don't know what I want to make. I randomly get in these creative spurts where I'm like "ooh ooh ooh! I will make something!" and then it comes to ACTUALLY making it and I'm like "Blehhh no". Pretty sure that's abnormal just saying. I wish I could sew, I'd make some banging ass clothes. Maybe I'll try that over Thanksgiving break, it's not like I don't have enough clothes that are too small or in need of fixing up.

I nearly said Winter, but winter break is a few weeks from now and I am hoping to be quite busy and not bored on my floor tearing up fabric. Here's to hoping!

I really should be working on my essay but ughhhh so many pagesss! And I don't know how to start it. What do I start with "Hi my name is Sam and blahblahblah" and begin talking about myself? I think not. But I really don't have any clever ways to start an essay on why I am the way I am.

Also. I'm debating starting a relationship tumblr (if the boy is down with running it with me) in all of it's cheesy glory and give advice and post pictures and whatnot. Since we're both pretty good at the advice and between the two of us we've seen most everything. Good at helping ourselves? No way. Other people? Sure thing!

Sometimes I feel like I tell you "I love you" too much, other times I feel like it's not enough. I don't feel I can ever convey just how much you mean to me, especially after I didn't have you for so long. It's a scary thought you know. Thinking that one day you could have everything ripped away again, just like it was before.
Telling you that would put too much pressure on you though. I even get afraid telling you that you're my world could do the same, just because I don't want you to ever feel forced to stay.

I freak myself out far too often, but that's partially just because of how very important you are to me. The more I care, the more I worry. The things I worry about may seem ridiculous, but to me they are very real. I know that's frustrating. I know it has to drive you nuts, especially if it's because you feel like you aren't doing enough to fix it. Maybe it's because I need too much affection. I need small reminders and I love yous. Little messages and I miss yous. I'm a handful, I don't know why anyone would choose to stay with me.

I didn't think I could fall more in love with you, but apparently finding out just how much you need someone in your life does that to you. I don't like being the girl who says I "need" someone, I use to say I didn't need anyone, me against the world ya know? But not now. Now I can admit (with little hesitation) that without you in my life I am not as happy. I can't even fake happiness to the level you truly give me, and trust me I'm good at faking things with people. I can lie to myself, tell myself that I am happy with someone and that I love someone. I can write about it to tell myself all of these plans I've made, but when I'm sitting here and it's just me, I know the truth. I know that no one in the world compares to you, because you're my other half.

I feel like you were perfectly crafted for me and just me. Anytime I get to talk about you I like up. I can't help but smile and gush and get butterflies in my stomach and tell everyone all about you. You're the only person I've lit up like that for. You're the only one I've compared to every complicated but obviously head over heels couple who were destined for each other in tv and movies. That probably doesn't seem important, but to me it just...it clicks.

I want you with me everywhere I go. You're my ice breaker, the person that makes me less shy and that I know would never let anything happen to me. You're the person who can make me cry the hardest and smile the biggest. When I didn't have you I'd pray for a glimmer of you still loving me. When you went out and partied I'd hope you texted me just so that I could possibly get the terribly honest drunk you who slurs his typing but tells me everything he feels. I've loved you longer and harder than you've known, even when I was with someone else trying to convince myself I could stay.

The situation right now sucks, I know we both agree. But it gets so frustrating for me sometimes I don't know how to take it. My mind runs non stop, and I get tired of trying to keep up with telling it "no" like a child that I just cry. I know that's frustrating for you, it has to be even if you won't admit it. I wish I could tell you more without breaking down. I wish I could be completely calm when I tell you "I am upset because of X, Y and Z" but with you I just get so scared I'll fuck it up or make you rethink being with me. I get jealous over you. I know I shouldn't, I know you love me. But things get so twisted internally and it's hard to think any of your posts could ever be about me. It makes it worse when it's tagged for her page, because that's hers, not mine, but it's lovey. I get unsure, I get mixed signals and just get frustrated. I signed up for this though, so I feel like I can't complain. I knew what I was getting in to when I said I'd wait. I don't want to go anywhere anyways, so waiting is my heart's only option.

I get excited about a future with you. More excited than I have been for anything in my life. And you coming to visit for Christmas is both exciting and nerve wracking. I bring it up so much because I get nervous you won't come, and hearing you agree and say you're coming or talk about coming makes my whole day.

I never want you to feel taken for granted. I never want you to feel unloved or unappreciated. I want you to know that I always listen when you speak, even if I don't remember things sometimes. I never want you to question that I'm loyal, or if I'm ever going to leave, because I'm not. I can't see myself with anyone except you, because I know I'd be lying to myself if I said I could be with them and be happy.

This is for and because of my ex. I'm thinking i will make me feel better about all of the rude shit being spread about me so.

I've hated very few people as much as I truly abhor you. That's a lot coming from me, because I'm one of the most forgiving people you'll ever meet. You used me to promote your own happiness. I told myself it was okay in the situation, it's normal to want your significant other to be happy but the price was too high. You call me a bitch, a liar, a cheater, a piece of shit all for going in search of my own happiness, yet for eight months I sacrificed nothing but so that you had yours. I am a horrible person who "ripped your heart out and shattered it" because I could no longer deal with you putting me down and making me feel less then. I was near the point of begging when you'd threaten to leave, and I don't beg. I refuse to beg for anyone. I was in a constant state of terror because of you, because I never knew when you'd lash out and make me feel like I was 2 inches tall again. I don't know why I stayed as long as I did, maybe because I didn't want to be lonely. No one wants to be lonely. I never felt good enough because of you, and now I am right back to where I was five years ago. I feel horrible about myself, worse than I felt before we met. You weren't always a bad guy, no, if that were the case you wouldn't have charmed me. But you slowly turned into this selfish force who only cares about himself.

Your ex told you once that you "couldn't grow" and you didn't understand what she meant by it. I agree with her now looking back on it. You can never grow emotionally to be a fully functioning human. You will forever be trapped in a teen mindset of instant satisfaction and lashing out at people around you when you are angry. You will never grow into a bigger, better human being.

I cried when you insulted a girl's thighs because they look just like mine. You attacked me for it and turned it into me being a bad person and how they're fine, you made it as if you never said it. You pushed and pulled. My emotions didn't matter, if I was sad you wanted me to put on a happy face because you didn't want to deal with me being upset. You ignored the parts of me you didn't like about me. Were there times when you could be pleasant and wonderful? Yes. But the bad far outweighed the good and I just lied to myself to make it seem otherwise.

My friends knew, my family knew, everyone could see how I was slowly becoming more and more unhappy. And still you ignored it. You ignored anything that you didn't like. I wasn't allowed to be unhappy, and if I expressed it, it was pushed away. Do you know how that fucks a person up? Do you know how that makes them feel? I doubt you have any idea how you made me feel about myself.

I never felt pretty enough. I never felt smart enough. And you all but agreed if I ever said anything negative about myself. I know I'm smarter than you give me credit for, if I wasn't I couldn't have done all of your homework for you. You'd tell me I made myself sound miserable to be around, if you didn't know that more or less means you thought I was miserable to be around. You told me I was a bad person because I wasn't christian, and that it was evident by me breaking up with you. You'd remind me how you didn't love me all that much, and that I'd never be as good as certain people.

And the worst thing of all, you tried to poison me against the one person in this world who truly does love me the way someone should. You told me how he flirted with all of these women, and told them all the same thing. And of course you told me when I was upset with him because it was easier to get me to want to ignore him. What kind of human being does that? I never tried to poison you against your exes, even though they texted you at all hours of the night.

You try to play off like you're such a nice guy. Maybe I should have listened when you called yourself horrible. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to fix you, because I'm obviously not the right person for the job. Fuck you for making me worry more, for making my anxiety worse and for making me question every move I make while I'm back where I should be. I can't stop worrying I'm going to mess this up like I mess everything up. No it's not all your fault, I'll give you that. But having someone freak out at random when you do the smallest things doesn't help the situation. I can't stop worrying now, about anything and do you know how that feels? Do you know how it feels to worry that you're so undeserving that the person you love most is going to leave you? I'm sure you don't because that would require you giving a fuck about someone other than yourself. I should have never gone back on my decision in April. I'd be so much happier and better off. I'd be further along with Aaron that I am now in working on us. And things wouldn't be half as complicated for our situation as they are.

---

I'm where I want to be. I am in love with the person I should be in love with.

Today I am having a very paranoid day. Out of nowhere I was walking through Walmart and then BAM hit out of nowhere in the pet aisle. I'm thinking it's just a residual thing from worrying about the upcoming holidays and not being use to expressing how I felt without someone being upset about that (And actually glad I said I was upset instead of choking it up).

So, instead of being calm and collected about this I'm in a tad bit of "Omg what if I fucked up" mode. While this is most likely not the case (I'm sure I'll find out later), I can't shake that feeling. Chances are it's just hormonal and I'm being ridiculous, as per usual since I am a huge worrier. But I don't want to fuck this up again, this relationship means a lot to me, as does fixing everything that happened before.

I think I worry more this time because I'm still not fully with the whole "Not leaving again staying for good" thing. My brain is still in worry mode trying to be guarded and shit because it's a tad bit afraid.

If that makes any sense at all.

Okay so, prefacing this by saying I loatheeee people talking about me, especially if it isn't true. Now, no one likes it. But it drives me batshit crazy. But anyway, aside from my ex telling everyone I'm a bitch and a liar and a cheater and whatever else he possibly can things are going well.

They aren't quite where I want them to be yet, but working towards them. I forgot how happy I use to be and that's quite sad. I also forgot that settling down doesn't require settling, never never settle.

But, all in all I'm happy and super excited. Hopefully Christmas goes off as planned and I get to have my company and all of these things I've been missing for quite a while.

Hopefully fixing this thing up will inspire me to post more.