I should be asleep, as it is 5am and that is what you should be doing at 5am.
But I can't. Because I am so far in my own head that this is what I'm doing at 5am every single day. I am thinking.

I've always dove in head first. Fuck the icy cold water, fuck if I'm going to break my neck. Close your eyes and jump. That's with pretty much everything. It really doesn't matter what it is, because there's a 99.9999% chance that I am going to just go for it. I normally don't care, the situations where I do care is when my feelings are involved.

This blog probably suggests I care a lot about multiple people often. When in reality the vast majority of this blog has been about one person. For years and years and years. Have I dated in the meantime? Yep. Have I given a shit about other people? Yep. But, it's rare I drop the L word. There was someone I thought I did a while ago, 2 someones actually. But it was really one of those moments where you love things about them and you're not upset to see them go. I think that's how I really judge things, by when they leave or there's a rough patch. If I don't cry, I don't care.

I don't want to say how long it's been since I met the person who has made me not only give a shit, but cry when they left. Because the amount of time is so short that I feel like I should be put in the crazy house. No really. Certifiable. When I told the person who has known me the longest, she was actually caught off guard since it's rare. It's rare that anyone has gotten past that wall. And there's never been someone to get my head to even focus on anyone else but the person who has been an echo in my brain since I was 16 years old.

I mean we're talking 6 years and that's not a short time. But...he did. He did and he's amazing anddd he's not mine anymore. I know I have to let him go off and explore because you can't nail someone down. You can't deprive them of exploring opportunities or they will resent you for holding them back. I learned that when I forced myself to be with other people when it wasn't time. But god. Just godddddd. Everything in me for weeks has been screaming. Just at the top of it's lungs in me that I miss him and miss everything. I can't even tell him this, because I'll be that damn crazy girl. Professing her love to someone who is a) taken and b) at a relatively short time period.

I know friends are getting irritated with me. I've done things I haven't done in 10 years to get back in touch with my roots to try and figure things out. I've paid attention to everything that could potentially be a sign, which there have been a lot. And all the while wondering if I'm nuts. And why this time, with this one. And why can't things be easy?

I'm white knuckling it terrified to lose it. I'm terrified that I won't ever get another chance to see how beautiful it could become. I'm good at jumping in. People think I'm better at riding the waves than I really am. I'm good at drowning in them, and gasping for air when I get something that looks like a sign. But really, I'm the best at sinking and clawing against the waves. After 6 years of being drug through it before, I'm worried that things I want won't turn out. That I won't get that beautiful happiness. It's so rare that anyone gets their way into my heart. So seriously rare that I crack jokes about it. FFS.

I've begged every cosmic entity for some luck, some good fortune. Whatever I can ask for. I've asked dead friends and loved ones. I've slept with a Buddha charm under my pillow, and tarot in a special drawer. My blog title wasn't picked by chance. I went through hell before, I was hoping it'd be easy and beautiful this time. But I guess it never is, is it? Because if it was easy, people would get bored with it too easily. Love weeds out who is really in it and who just thinks they are.