I hate awkward heart to hearts with friends where you have to tell them what they did wrong when they were drunk and that's going to change the course of your friendship forever.
I just shouldn't have said anything. I could have held the knowledge and just not ever said anything and it'd all be fine.

I'll never leave too long
I wanna make it clear
And if you wait for me
I'll always keep you here

Oh oh oh oh
Let me remind you what you're waiting for
Before you go, oh oh oh oh
Could you love me just a little, love me just a little bit more?
Love me just a little, love me just a little bit more?

After all of the reading I've been doing, I've never cemented anything more than my desire to work with troubled youth.

The kids that come out of bad homes, and have drug problems. The ones that have suicidal tendencies and problems with coping. Those with families, those without, especially those without.

I could be okay working with kids in that department, but teens are so much more fragile and I would rather work with them so much more. Sometimes I scan the job listings, I know I can't get a job till I graduate. And it still won't be a therapist of any sort until I get a doctorate. But hopefully I can find a job doing something with them at a facility of some sort.

Hi my name is Sam and I'm a control freak.


I didn't used to be. Like I very literally was fine with anything and then something in me clicked and was like "OH GOD I DON'T KNOW WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN" and it all went down hill from there. I think it was when I was fifteen or so. But everyone seems to at least know I am.

Like I was discussing with a friend her little brother driving her car. And I informed her that no one has ever driven my car except this one time I let a good friend drive it. You know what she said to me? She laughed at me and goes "You freaked out the whole time didn't you?" Why yes. Yes I did. I screamed from Maryland all the way to Pennsylvania. After the 20 minute freak out he did yell at me to keep it internal though.



On another note I miss visiting the city. I'd take myself but that would probably not go over well. And fuck the tool bag I went with last time. But I seriously just feel super at peace there. Huge buildings and so many people should make me feel claustrophobic but it didn't in the least. I just really enjoy walking everywhere and all the people who see straight through you. If I wasn't such a chicken shit of driving there I'd have someone go with me but I seriously don't like city traffic. Last time I got stuck there I white knuckled the whole time.


Idk why I'm typing at 4am. I just really can't sleep.

So, I read this book today. I spent the entire day reading this book, didn't stop more than to piddle.

That's not the important part though. Well I mean it is, this book was amazing and had me laughing and crying and you know that's the sign of a good book. But in this book was a name, which meant a lot to me. But I ignored the first coincidence, but then as I was reading this old woman started talking about her first love. She told me main character she knew she loved the boy she was talking about and all of this really sweet stuff about it.

And then the part that got my attention was the old woman saying her love of 62 years and his name. And I just lingered on it for a while and smiled.

When I was nine my mom moved to Florida with me, while my dad stayed in North Carolina. It wasn't anything bad, there was no fighting, but we needed the house and we needed to move.

When I was old enough, having my own relationship problems my mom told me what happened. She wanted a change in my dad and while they weren't living together and the six months apart was their period to see if that was possible.

She explained this to me because she told me change doesn't just happen over night. You can't also expect someone to just bend to your wants and wishes, but you can say you'd like to see them work toward it. I guess that's something I've still taken with me as an adult.

My parents have always been an amazing couple, they've never fought in front of me, not to say they've never fought but I've never had to see it. They've always shown me what it takes to keep one and keep it going good. I guess that's something I idolize in them more than anything, they may not be rich or have the ideal life but they have each other and that's what it's been for 23 years. I may be in the mix, but it's been the two of them versus the world for as long as I can remember.

I know a lot of people don't have that. They haven't seen it and they don't have the faith it works. But I do and I've seen it and I wish I could just share with them a glimpse of the hope I have for things like that.

The quote on my wall says

Make a wish and place it in your heart. Anything you want, everything you want. Do you have it? Good
Now believe in it can come true. You never know where the next miracle is going to come from. The next smile, the next wish come true.

But if you believe that it’s right around the corner, and you open up your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it, you might get the thing you’re wishing for. The world is full of magic, you just have to believe in it.

So make your wish. Do you have it? Good.


Now believe in it with all of your heart.

I read it every night. It sits above my pillow and it reminds me that things will be alright.

After a very very odd vacation, and having been back for quite a while someone important to me and I looked into my ex.
Who turns out to be a woman. Who is still claiming she's a man, one of like 6 or something idk. She keeps changing her story and it's very creepy to be quite honest.

Looking back on it, I really didn't care as much about "him" as I thought I did. When you have to force yourself to say nice things and come up with things to say it's sort of a sign that shit isn't and wasn't what you thought it was. I'm really not upset about any of it being 100% over. I'm relieved. I don't have to think of some way to end it without destroying him. I can work on what I want to work on, and it's just easier not having to be miserable all the time.

---

I'm an impatient person. I freak out and I assume the worst and that's often really a bad thing. But it's something I don't know how to change right now. I don't know how to turn off the worrying. I don't know how to let it all just come easy and to take a deep breath and know it will all be okay. It's kind of scary stepping into that. You don't know where the ledge is or how deep the water is and you're just trusting that you can swim even though you think you forgot how.