I guess you're gone for good, and I have no idea what to do with all of this

I'm the most jealous person and I don't know how to stop it. I know why I do it. But it's like this slow motion crash that you can see coming and don't know how to stop. 

So more or less I'm sitting here bawling, and while it seems like it's most likely over a broken xbox it's really over everything piling up and my having no clue what the hell to do with any of it. And being told to just go get it fixed is really more frustrating than not hearing anything because there is no money to do so.

There is no money to get it fixed, there is no money to buy a new one, there is no money to replace the brakes in my car that I've been waiting since November while the car sits in the driveway. There's no money to replace my computer that is going to die in a couple months as per the computer shop. Essentially there is no money for anything. And I still cannot get hired. I have a few bucks saved up for gas for things.

And you know, bill collectors calling and wanting money for things. That's fun too.

I don't go anywhere, I don't do anything, I don't spend any money. I don't go out with friends because the only friends I made moved away after school, and the complicated situation won't speak let alone chill and hang out. So. I am frustrated, I am defeated. I am tired of feeling like I'm pushing a boulder up hill and it's running my ass over every time I get 3 feet up.

Not to mention trying to get a job with severe social anxiety is like sticking your hand in a blender

I really want to change the layout for this but I have no motivatioooooon. My artistic side blows right now

As a kid, during my first years in Florida I used to run around all day. I played on a tire swing that I'd haphazardly duct taped the wire that was wrapped around the rope so it wouldn't cut me. It still dug into my hands but I didn't care, I was free. I ran through the pasture, I chanced being eaten by wildlife. I chased lizards and caught them. I rode horses and got back on that day one threw me off and I swore I broke my hip when I hit the tree. I was free

When I moved to my second house I spent all day in the pool. I skateboarded from when the sun came up until hours after the street lights had kicked on and I was late for curfew. I got the cops called on me, I was loud and reckless. I ran through the woods with my first boyfriend before they caught up to us and made my mom come pick us up. I got in fist fights and yelling matches. But I still felt free

What this has to do with anything is that I miss it. I miss not feeling like I'm bogged down by everything. Even as a kid who'd already been through hell before that point I still knew how to just do and not think.

Last night was shitty. Super shitty. So I sought my usual advice, because I am always reaching to not feel like I have no idea what's coming at me. I'm the epitome of not free, I'm very much trapped in my own prison of a head. I've been having a think for a while on what the advice/insight said. But I'm not posting the whole thing just snippets.

The first bit of advice was don't dwell on the past. Which, I instantly started wondering in my current situation or my past as a whole. But the biggest thing I dwell on from my past is always wondering if someone else is better. If someone else will be the one someone chooses over me, if someone else is going to cheat which would also be "someone better" or more or less everything adding up to me constantly being unable to let go of feeling like I was always and will always be second best. And maybe in a sense that I need to stop jumping to that conclusion now as well. Because even last night/this morning my first instinct were: He isn't coming back and is gone for good, I'm just not good enough, Maybe he's sleeping with someone else and was too busy with her to text/talk to me. While I can see it really sounds vain that I would assume any of it has to do with me, a lot of that is me dragging my past around with me. And being unable to let go of it to benefit my future.

The second bit was that I need to stop holding on to pain and learn to move through it and accept it. I'm not sure if that means that currently I need to let go of it, which I do but I mean in the "This is your painful experience" or if it means I need to in general just let go of all of the bullshit I carry around. A big part of it was about going through the pain to reach joy. Which is something I don't really ever do, I just bring pain with me and never let go of it enough to reach the joy on the otherside. I'm not sure if it was a bad omen or if it was saying I need to learn to deal with things as they come and leave them there. Not bring them with me all the time. Which ties into letting go of the past I guess. And since it said this was my goal, maybe my goal is to learn to let go of the past.

That I need to pick my battles. That everything isn't a war to be won. That sometimes it's okay to just let shit go. That I don't need to always be ready for a fight. It also said that my struggle isn't over and I'll lose what I love if I don't change. But maybe it also hits a little on how I'm always geared for a fight emotionally. I go into every situation like it's going to be a fight, I constantly am bracing for one. Emotionally I'm always defensive, always anticipating the worst. Right now emotionally everything is a battle with me, because I am so far in my own head all the time that it's not that I want to be right so much as I don't want to not know when something is going to hit my armor.

It also talked about needing to change my perspective. My instant reaction was "Change it because I need to change my mindset about whats going on? Or maybe I'm too into it and I should just give up" So I guess that speaks to what perspective I need to change. The one that everything is going to end up in the worst possible light. That I'm the one trapping myself, I'm the one bound. And since being bound upside down all the time, stuck, can't be terribly comfortable, I'll assume that it means being negative can't be terribly comfortable either. Which it's not. It spoke to that being what I need to change, but also my fear. I guess it's my hope and my fear because while I hope to be able to change it, I also fear it. My hopes and fears have always very much been influenced by my perspective because I'm all fear and no hope. Well. 90% fear, 10% hope. It's so limited that it's only there to keep me going but not enough to make me feel like anything will work out. And it even said there is hope to be found in things. I guess looking at it more now, it's sort of funny that the card saying there is hope, change your perspective was my hope and fear card.

The end of it said things will be okay, I just need to learn to trust and believe in the person the card represents. Which is a huge struggle for me to. It'll be the outcome that I do eventually one day if I follow the advice presented to me, and I learn to change my perspectives I guess. But right now trust seems like the issue. And I don't know how to be free to trust. I miss being free to trust.

I haven't known how to do that in a very very long time. I haven't been able to trust anyone since Douche Ex and his 24 maidens. But I'd like to not be so skeptical all the time, I want to not always look for the other shoe to drop.

Lately I've been oddly obsessed with two characters and their relationship from a show. Yeah yeah yeah an OTP whatever. And the other night I felt shitty, which I still feel shitty so that is irrelevant. But anyway.
Every week they go through hell and back. And they make it, and idk I guess I latch on to that just because you're going through hell doesn't mean things won't be okay and they'll be better.
But this week in particular she said something that I have no idea why it stuck with me, because it's a common phrase when it's not in the language from the show. On the show it was "Ge smak daun, gyon op nodotaim"- Get knocked down, get back up.  And I don't know why it's been on my mind so much, maybe the intensity of the two of them and the context with her yelling it at him in his own language hit me some sorta way.

Sometimes I wish I could yell that, for myself and for not so much myself in this scenario. Because we're both run by depression (Getting someone to admit that is way harder than it seems). There was also We don't give up. We fight  And I feel like that's important too. While I'm sure I make the situation way more intimate than it is, and more Us than it is (but how would I know when someone locks me out all the time), I feel like it's still important. Because I know there is something there. And I am a fighter. Always have been. And maybe it stuck with me so much because since that night at Cirque every time I feel like giving up something in my brain screams fight.

Anyway. I did a whole "What's The Problem" spread the other night actually I did two because the first one was so utterly confusing to me and my friend was sleeping to help me figure out what it was saying. I have patience issues, anywhoozle.

This is the spread deciphered to the best of her ability:

The Problem: The Devil
You're taking the problem and making it a much bigger deal than it is by thinking that some outside force is stopping you and that it is controlling you. It's not. You have freely given this fear the reigns over you. You fear the worst and this fear is preventing you from moving on. This card, of course, can also mean Squish since it is a reading for the both of you. Read it how you will there.

Also, "More generally, the Devil indicates that you are becoming obsessed and hell-bent on a particular idea, situation or endeavor." You may be hellbent on the fear, or you may be hellbent on the idea that this is going to work out how you want it to.

So I do agree with that, especially with the fear having control over me and I've openly given in to it. I can say it's a strong possibility for him too, just based on what's happened and stuff.
I think the obsession part may be both the hellbent on the fear, but maybe since this card is about control. I'm obsessed with control. And he is in a way too by keeping his walls up and me out.
I get obsessive in the things I do to try and achieve control as well. Like my anxiety will skyrocket until I feel that I have some form of control. How do you think I got doing tarot so much again? Obsessive control or the perception of it. Duh. My whole goal is to not be shattered before it happens, how I'll prepare? I don't know. But I'm convinced if I have some form of control I can't get hurt. Again. 

How You Contributed: The High Priestess
Your intuitive sense has contributed to the problem somehow, although I personally couldn't say how. The only thing I can come up with since the card says it's a time to listen to your inner voice, is that the problem may be that you aren't listening to yourself?

I've struggled with this lately, I've really been off my game with having any sort of intuition and maybe part of the problem isn't that I haven't been listening to my inner voice but maybe I've lost touch with it. I really feel like I don't know what's anxiety driven fear that I've created by worst casing and what's intuition anymore. 

How He Contributed: 8 Of Cups
He's withdrawn because he thinks that it's too much for him to handle. He's afraid that, because of his past experiences with the ladies, he has to walk away from the situation even if things may have gone well (possibly due to fear of rejections). He's mentally exhausted over love and the search to find it. He's a bit disappointed in himself for letting his mind get this way, but he thinks it's for the better currently. (Now I can't be 100% on that, but that's how I personally took it.)

What You Can Do To Fix It: The Empress
Be nurturing. This card just screams NURTURE HIM. What I've said before, just do what you can to show you care.

This is what the past 50 cards have said, I'm really no better at knowing how. Besides getting a sky writter to write "I love you, Butthole". 

What Will Make It Worse: 9 Of Pentacles
Thinking that you have completed your "goal", when in fact you haven't come close to doing so just yet. Things take a lot of time, especially getting someone to open up or to trust you (and that Madame Sadi advice comes from dealing with Will)

Ideal Outcome: 5 Of Cups
Realization that you may have expected too much from someone way too quickly.

I have no idea how she came to that conclusion, but she reads cards wayyyy better than I do. And I trust her judgement on it. The card is typically semi-ominous at least in that position it feels that way. But I guess a few meanings could be expecting too much from him and myself, because I expect to just wake up and be okay with everything and him to be okay with his fears while I have trouble trusting and getting over mine.
At the same time maybe he expects too much from me? Though I can't be sure.

My only other perception of this is based on the 3 cups tipped over and the two up right. That the ideal outcome will be us moving past this point. Realizing that there are still 2 cups, even though we both have spilled cups that hold us back. While I know that's typically the reversed meaning, I quit doing reverse cards. With all of the other cards not being negative (and really never have been up to this point), it makes me think of beginning to accept what can't be changed in a way. We're both really broken people, and right now we're going through our pain from the past.

I did two spreads, and the other one's outcome was Judgement. Which spoke to me about second chances, and an end to challenges that have been going on for a while. Depending on what book you look at (yes I still need a book cut me slack!). But also not jumping to conclusions positive or negative, and putting the past behind you. Which really doesn't sound bad and it sounds a lot like good things. 

This silence is too loud. This silence is way too loud. I can't fucking take it. I can't take you icing me out because it's breaking my goddamn heart.

http://8tracks.com/samanthavegas/soliloquies-and-lullabies

Storing some of these here to look back on when stressed out:

Who they really are: 9 of Swords
Why they hide: The emperor
The mask they hide behind: 3 of cups
How this affects your relationship: the Star
Advice for me: The Sun
Outcome if I follow it: The Hermit

For 9 of swords the things sticking out to me is fear of the future .And that he has let fear consume him. Not been good enough for others so he's afraid he won't be good enough for anyone in  any sort of relationship and he's letting it consume him and control him. He's hiding behind that wall and his logical mind and letting fear overrule. That's what I'm getting. The Emperor is generally a very mind oriented card, not based on emotion really.

Hiding behind the word "friendship"

The Star is you. The Star Tarot card also indicates a generous spirit. You want to give or share your wealth with others to help transform their own lives. You have an open heart and you now want to give back the blessings you have already received so that others may benefit. Mister afraid of everything has shown enough of himself to you for you to know that he's hurt and has to heal. You the star want to help him along his path of self healing. So basically, him hiding etc etc is making you want to be the light in his dark alley. Star card is all about personal transformation for the better. Which also, in a sense, I would say he is your star too because there are many things you are trying to change about yourself in order to become better for him

As for your advice, the sun is saying that you have a wonderful warm energy about you, a caring energy, and this is what will help you with the situation. "It is about embracing your destiny and giving it everything you have got. If you have been having a difficult time, the Sun brings you the message you have been waiting for – that things are going to get better – a lot better! You know that the rain clouds will soon give way to the rays of the sun and you will feel warmed to the soul once again." And it also says "Shine love on those you care about"

A lot of it talks about being alone, but not physically. More like mentally. You will want to be alone with yourself and your mind once things change, to contemplate everything going on and to choose what to do next. You will realize that a lot of answers to everything going on is within yourself, and you will want to be alone with your mind at times instead of not wanting to. You will want some quiet time now and then in order to just think everything over that's going on between you guys. And it also indicates some personal soul searching so I think some of the quiet time will be you trying to figure yourself out and how you can fight your own fears I kind of have the mental image of a snow globe. It's all shaken up but once things settle down it looks like a calm, cozy little town.

I've had the flu for a week, really all of the symptoms are the same as the pneumonic  plague so who is to say I don't have the plague. I'm apparently sensitive to every effing night time cough medicine too. Nyquil? Gave me hallucinations and made me try and convince myself I was an asian principal. Which sounds hilarious but oh it was not. Then again it might be because I mixed coffee and Nyquil but whatever. And Tylenol Cold and Flu made me stumble around like a drunk and not understand that my mouth was fine. My tongue is supposed to just chill out in there and no my throat wasn't melting therefore. No more cough medicines for moi.

I now employ the sloth method. Eat 2 Popsicle? Take a nap. Do a load of laundry? Split it into washer. nap. dryer/fold.nap. Everything requires a nap.

Now I just need to find spicy food and a personal chef to make it, because I cannot nap while cooking unfortunately.