1. How I see Myself: Queen cups 
Spot on
2.How he sees me: 4 of pentacles
Clinging in an unhealthy way out of fear or anxiety, suffocating

3. How I see the relationship: Knight of swords
That I'm charging in to save the day. Potentially ignoring the consequences of my actions 

4. How he sees the relationship: Page of wands 
That it's coming to be? New, positive 

5. What I want: 5 of wands 
To believe in myself, to have faith I'll end up where I should be 

6. What he wants: 4 of wands 
To move where he lives (actually accurate), good news, stability, balance, harmony
completion and peace

7. What I need: Temperance
Balance in my relationship, working through my personal issues, peace within myself

8. What he needs: 8 of wands 
Patience, to put his best out there

9. Influences acting in favor of me: The star 
Renewed hope, courage, trust in the universe 

10. Influences acting in favor of him: 3 of cups 
An end to problems, compromise that allows for a more harmonious environment

11. Influences Acting against me: 9 of cups
Final stages of development that may bring problem with it? Past experiences and methods of coping being part of that

12. Influences Acting against him: 3 of swords
Rejection, loneliness, heartbreak, grief, betrayal (Maybe from the past? Still weighing in against him

13. What I need to do: The tower
to get out of my comfort zone, truth and honesty

14. What he needs to do: The devil
To stop feeling chained by his fears

There's a lot of things I may wake up and decide one day. I may wake up and decide I hate my hair color, I may wake up one day and decide I absolutely hate pancakes again, or that I suddenly want to be in the WNBA even though I cannot aim to save my life. There's one thing I will not wake up and decide one day. I will not wake up, and decide that I do not want you. I won't wake up and decide that how I feel about you is any different. Because I can want to simultaneously punch you in the face, and not do it because I love you and I don't want your gorgeous face to have even one little bruise on it.

Trust is scary. It's literally the scariest thing because you don't know how to handle the feelings that you feel when the paranoia box opens. And you're supposed to just accept that someone else is in control and it's not you. I was trying to find something on a way to not think trust was so scary. And I found this video at random, called Why Trust Is Worth It. I didn't expect to even watch it, but the thing said in association with Cirque Du Soleil. I've loved Cirque since I was 11, and we'd watch the videos for it that my dance teacher brought in. When a friend's mom came back from Vegas she brought me a post card and that thing is sitting framed on a shelf, when I went in October I was so excited. When the warriors came up on stage, all my brain screamed was "Fight" over and over and over again. And all I thought about was your stinkin face. So I watched that video. And it talked about exactly how I feel, and you said you could relate to that. It said that you spend so much energy trying to prepare to be disappointed. We plan and observe and predict and over analyze (I'm paraphrasing here), but how when someone's betrayed us we look for all of the other betrayals waiting in our life. That we tense up, and we decide we'll just trust no one. But how that doesn't really work, because trust is your relationship to the unknown and that you can't control everything.

Control is big for me. I always feel like if I have the upper hand in something, if I have somewhere to put my feet and control a situation that I won't get hurt. Which is illogical, but when things happen again and I again I think that's the logical reaction. If I trust no one, I control everything, maybe I won't get hurt.

There was a quote that popped up too. It said "To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don't grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float."  And we both sorta love water a lot. It's all easier said then done. I've been struggling for weeks. Because amazingly enough, even if I don't run, I am still scared. 

The truth is, I have never ran. I'm way too stubborn to run. I don't run when shit is bad, I've for the most part stuck it out. I've left 3 times. Which in my whole life, I guess that's not a whole lot. I left when I couldn't take being cheated on with one more person. Not once or twice, but 24 different people. When I was terrified of the punishments from not being exactly what I was supposed to be. When I finally had enough. I was a lot like you for a while too you know. I didn't want anyone close to me, I didn't want anyone to get through that wall. Because it was like if they did, and they hurt me again I couldn't fucking take it. I couldn't take one more person to just inflict one more scar. I handled it effectively you know, tons of drinking and trying to forget how much I hated myself and everything that tried to be around me. 
Sometimes I look at you, and I wonder if that part of me is something you can see because you get it.

I left when I couldn't go to work because of self harm threats, or insults if I did. When I couldn't get a coffee at the mall alone without my phone ringing saying I'd been gone too long and must be cheating. That I was evil because I didn't love jesus and their pastor said I was evil. And then I tried again. I tried to be more caring, more supportive, better. But I was only better so long as I was always happy, always smiling, always caring, never sad. Because there was another girl, and she was better than me.

I left when I couldn't take one more year of being the fall back. The one who wrote 15 page essays until 5am so that my partner could sleep and I was good at it and liked to help, but never the one they were willing to do anything for. When I was the girl they could cheat with and tell how excited they were to come see me for Christmas...but cancelled...for the 8th or 9th trip...And who they begged to lie and say they were no one to when they were caught, because it was only okay if I was the one hurt. When I quit my job, bought clothes appropriate for a winter vacation, a passport, and Christmas gifts only to be told it wasn't a good time. And to be ignored for a month after because I was selfish. Because after 6 years of being a human yo-yo I couldn't take it anymore. Because by 7 years and trying to drown out feelings of just wanting someone to give a shit I didn't want anyone to touch me, or to take pictures of me. I didn't want to get close to someone, I didn't want them to expect something from me.

That sorta was until I scrolled and something made me click on you. I say that in the cheesiest ways possible.

That's what it takes for me to walk. That's what it takes for me to wake up one day and decide "I can't take it, I can't do it".
I'm not perfect. God I'm far from fucking perfect. Sometimes I'm selfish, and the more afraid I get the more I cling. The more I panic the more I cling. If I don't get sleep I can be down right anxious as fuck. I'm a big fun obnoxious drunk. I refuse to eat some days because I feel oily inside and won't until I'm properly hydrated and don't feel sloshy.
Some days I feel like the whole world is against me, and some days that will include you. In all of your amazing glory that will include you and my dog, and the guy down the block who I've never seen but I'll will be certain the entire universe is conspiring against me.
I've got some broken parts that are just as scared as yours are.

But.


There will not be a day I won't want to fight against you to move your butt over and give me some bed or covers. Or that I won't want to irritate you until you cave and tell me to shush so you can get sleep because I get babbly when I'm tired. There won't be a day I won't want to eat whatever amazing food you whip up, even if it's filled with meat and I'm sick for days. Or that I won't want to hog all the water from you in the shower. That I won't want to memorize every detail I can while you're asleep. Or listen to you shit talk while playing video games. Or raid the farmers market with you and steal all those bastards apples and strawberries. And freeze those damn strawberries at home.
Or go to the beach with you, because I'm a fucking mermaid. An impossible, stubborn as fuck, slightly neurotic, clingy fucking mermaid.

One who happens to be in love with a really moody, push away-y, nearly equally stubborn, awesome cooking, gorgeous you. 

I've been working on this painting for months and I just can't get it to work to where I like it. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

A normal sleep schedule would be cool, like really epicly cool. You know what would be cooler? My brain not going non effing stop.

For the past week I cannot get even a glimpse outside of my own head. I mean I am used to not being able to get out of my own head to some degree. But since New Years Eve I've been this walking ball of nerves. Fucking terrified of bad news dropping at any moment.

I have done yoga, xanax, hot chocolate, drawing/painting, crocheting. If there's a hobby I've done it. I've gone back to doing tarot spreads for days, and it's getting obsessive trying to find something good to hold on to so that I feel better about things and feel like I have some sort of control. I let go of other stressful things in my life. Yet still I cannot get past this impending doom. And I'm (now, like this week) 100% aware that I have a huge problem with never feeling good enough. And that fuels this huge fear that I'm never good enough for anyone. That past actions from people in my life have contributed to my own shitty self image and I just chill out in my bed all day telling myself I suck and that the person I love is going to bounce.

When I don't care I don't feel like this, but I can safely say my fear has never been this bad before. I think it's a combination of not having things go well in a while, and just letting me eat at myself. I think part of it is not knowing how to stop. Like once you get cycling so hard you don't know how to tell yourself that things will be okay. That you love this person, who is just as scared as you. But it's like this cycling fear just lingers so that I not only can't enjoy Squish, but makes up it's own fears all day long. So far I've determined I sucked in bed so bad that he never wants to touch me again, that he has another girl already or will in the immediate future, that I'm ugly no matter what he says, that I'm going to ruin this, or that he's never going to want to change his mind for me on being close to someone (but apparently my brain has decided he would for someone else). I mean he knows I'm scared. He watched me lay in his bed spazzing about it, granted he didn't try to give me comfort about it, he may have told me I worry too much. But what do you say to someone who is afraid to love you when you have the same fear? Gah I hate not knowing outcomes or what to do, and not feeling stable and safe.

I even tried to send cute pictures and because he didn't say anything my brain is back on the fear train. I really am bad at this whole letting love flow thing. Seriously I don't understand how people don't constantly fear that others don't want them back when they actually give a shit.

This is absolutely the first time I've blogged from my phone. Well. Maybe not. I don't really remember by now.
I've decided I'm angry. It's not the first time I've had this particular conversation with myself. But I'm angry at the past 7 years. I'm more angry about them than any other person. Because up until recently I held a certain sort of belief. Up until this summer I believed that what I was doing was okay. And it wasn't.

I'm angry that I spent 7 years not being good enough for you to follow through. I quit my job to go look at apartments. And you never showed. I cancelled vacations because you said you would come. And you didn't. I stayed up late nights helping you on your papers, when your version of helping me was to get bored after a few minutes. I'm angry that I've made my self worth relative to the times you decided to take me off a shelf because someone broke your heart or someone wasn't being a good girlfriend. Not that you ever called me ugly. Not once. But you damn people who shut me out when you refused to speak to me for a month while we were dating because you thought I was selfish! And play the I don't remember game.

I'm not angry because I want you. I'm angry because for the first time since I was 16 years old I don't love you. I love someone I can see a future with. Someone who has been burned and broken and bruised just like I have. Someone who actively avoids getting hurt by not trying. That's not your fault. But what is, is that after I was treated horridly. I came to you this broken 16 year old girl. Who didn't know how to trust a single goddamn person, and instead of showing me that people wouldn't always hurt me. You helped me become a 23 year old woman who doesn't trust anyone. You picked me up and set me down when someone "better" came along so many times that I always wait to be thrown away now. I don't know how to think the other shoe isn't going to drop. Or that things will be okay. Because you took everything and made it my fault. You made everything my goddamn burden. When all I want to do is be able to believe that this will work out. That I can do this. That I'm strong enough to love and trust someone, and help them learn that sometimes people won't hurt you and are worth it.

I suck at functioning like a normal human.
Trust? Wtf is trust?
Not worrying? HAH. Aahahaha. Yeah good luck with that.

Excuse me while I pull my hair out over my inability to not act like a total spazz over imagined situations.