I'm not sure what I really want to say, but I wanted to write. If that makes any sense at all. It really doesn't to me. I should use this to blog happy stuff but I really only do it when I'm upset and don't now what to do.

Like I could say I went to a B&C and Circa show and it was fantastic last month but I never did. Because I'm too caught up when things are good. And then when things are absolute shat I'm back on here not knowing how to handle my life.

Please come back.

I'm so tired, so very very tired. And not in the way that sleep will fix. But in the way that you just want some sun through the clouds and a little perk to level out all the bad. That kind of tired. The kind of tired you feel in your bones after years and years of trying to keep going. That kind of tired. The tired that you can't shake

“I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am.” -Sylvia Plath

When things start to go bad, I stick someone else's behaviors on the person who did something wrong. It doesn't matter how great you've been up until then. The minute you do something that upsets me, my brain automatically links it to things other people have done and decides you have now done those things.

It's quite obvious what the problem with this is. It leads to a lot of worrying that the person who is taking the fall for the blame is going to do exactly what it is that my brain is accusing them of. I had been doing better with it. A radio show I heard about 4 or 5 years back called it "Paying for someone else's groceries" and it talked about how you wouldn't expect the person in the grocery store behind you to pay for your groceries, so don't expect anyone else to pay for what someone else has done. Which is great in theory. I had been doing awesome with execution. But then some days I just wake up and feel hollow and suddenly any red flags or warning signals that you do become everyone's faults for all of eternity and they're all your fault now. 

I don't know how to change that quality. But it's exhausting. I'd like to wake up and not feel so hollow and I'd like to know how to approach things and not sound like a crazy person. 

1: Present
49. Mikle A Muckle
Everyday blessings, Play, Mixed blessings

The present moment is a blessing, and I need to lighten up and adopt a trusting heart and child like wisdom. Don't look for hidden meanings or motivations.

2: Challenge
37. Tobaira Of The Waters
Emotions. Serenity. Meditation. Gracefully accepting change

I have a choice to make and wisely or unwisely it's still my choice. I need to remember no matter what I need nurturing and love and it's up to me to provide that. What this says about us I'm not sure.

But maybe it says emotions are the challenge we're facing.

3: Distant Past
39. Sunken Treasure. Discovery of Self. Adventure

I'm not entirely sure with this one. She's the frog queen and talks about kissing frogs to find someone. Perhaps in the past during my life I've kissed a bunch of frogs in my attempt to get to this point and meet the one I'm supposed to be with?



4: Recent Past
43.Geeeeeoooo the Slooow
Cycles of Time. Slowness. Waiting. Patience
He's a message to slow down. In the recent past I jumped into things and pushed the river. Hell my whole life I've tried to push and control the river.
Perhaps it's telling me to slow down, and stop trying to hurry


5: Best OUtcome
63. Indi
Indecision. Wishy-Washing. Commitment. Decision Making
He's about struggling to sit down and fulfil a commitment.
I'm not sure, I think it says we'll make the commitment? Maybe? Bueller?

6: Immediate future
41.Ilbe The Retriever
Office of Unclaimed Property, Hope, Wishes, Loyalty
It'll have to be worked for, but he is a reminder that our hope and dream is still there.

7: Factors affecting situation
59.The Bodacious Bodach
Meddling, Tampering, Sabotage. "Helpful Fixing". Order
Regroup my emotional, physical, and mental aspects. Tidy them up. He is a message that someone or myself is meddling in things and messing them up. I get a feeling that it's me.

8: External Influences
42. Myk The Myomancer
Small clues. Details. The messages everywhere. Patience
The universe is trying to gently tell me things, pay attention to what it's saying. Figure out what the question really is, to know the omens when they come

9: Hopes and Fears
62. The Glanconer
Illusion. Delusion. Lust. Projection. Clear Sight
I think it's saying that my or maybe both of our fears are wrapped up in delusions and illusions? I'm not sure. He's a message to double check things and to stop take the time and get to know the situation.  How that's a hope or fear I'm not sure

10: Final Outcome
60. Pook
Shape Changer. Good in bad, bad in good. Paradox, Resolution
It's time to stop putting good and bad labels on things. I just need to think about it, and the information I have is available to me.


That was so very very unclear.