So, I've legit neglected this blog. I've written paper entries but not typed them up. Normally I do the paper ones in my hour off waiting around if the car is parked too far to make it there, write, go back to the school. So anyway.

I'm actually pretty content with life right now I guess. I mean it's not perfect, far from it to be honest, but I'm happy. I wasn't super happy (as was obvious) before. Why I was bringing myself down for the ideals of my (now) ex s/o was ridiculous. It was unrealistic, it wasn't making me happy, it wasn't healthy for me.

I deserve to be happy. More than that I deserve someone who doesn't make me change who I am, what I want. Who doesn't guilt me into things, who doesn't play the blame game. You get tired of being the bad guy, you get tired of feeling like you aren't good enough. But, I remembered what it is I've wanted all along.

My ex (who, isn't an ex but isn't a boyfriend-yet) has been there for the past 4 years. New relationships, moving, seeing me at my best and my worst. He's heard me drunk and slurring how much I hate him because I was hurt, he's been with me through people dying, he is the only person who knows every facet of my personality and can tell from me typing/texting one word if I am happy or sad. That. That is what makes me happy, that is the person that makes me happy. My S/O wasn't a bad person, but he was not the right person for me to be healthy. I am healthy now.

A.H isn't perfect. He has flaws, but they are flaws I've grown to love. We aren't perfect together, we fight and bicker sometimes, we have had our fair share of problems, but just hearing him talk and I know I'm okay. I'm sure that sounds insanely cliche and hopeless romantic and whatnot, but it's the truth. He can snap me from my absolute worst moods, and he's put up with his fair share of verbal abuse at my hands when I get upset. Regardless of all of this, he still loves me. While things are complicated this is where I want and need to be. It's where I'm suppose to be.

So, I guess things are gonna start being built from there. If that is what he wants. Rebuilding the past, fixing things and learning how to be together all over again. We've never been "just friends", but I think we're slowly learning how to help the other and improve on where we went wrong last time.