Last night Cass and I were talking, and that made me realize that the past leaves things in it even if they aren't a huge impact in your life.

Like as a kid all of the bullying/abuse we both suffered left different lasting impacts for us both. She handles things completely differently than I do. And while I don't have these huge issues there's tiny chips that you take away with you. Mine is not liking crowds, being surrounded/trapped, and hating small spaces. Which isn't this huge thing right? But it's there.

Or that every shitty relationship you have that leaves traces behind. Like I can't get phone calls from numbers I don't know without getting this sinking feeling. For one of two reasons
A) I'm always afraid it's some chick to bring me bad news about someone I have some sort of romantic interest in
or
B) It hits on some weird reminder that I dated someone who wouldn't call, and spent a year pretending to be someone they weren't. Well they spent more like 9 years pretending, but I only bought it for the first year I knew them.
Which is a pretty random thing to gain from relationships, most people get wrong number or telemarketer phone calls without feeling nauseous.

Or that I drink to fix things. Because if I can't fix it, I might as well not have to think about it. And on some twisted level I'm convinced that it will fix it. If I'm out of my head for a while and do shit I hate. Make myself hate me more, then maybe somehow I'll feel better on some level right? No? Well shit.