For some, unknown to me reason, I have always loathed New Years Eve. It's not even a depressing holiday, but every time it rolls around I have some horrid effing anxiety. Aside from my birthday, it's probably the one time of year that I get the most destructive. I have a tendency to start pushing people away, or starting shit so that they push me away first. I've pretty much been in my little mini apartment deal all day, drowning the day away. Doing absolutely nothing productive. I could have been working out, getting to where I want to be. But when I go to do it I just feel...idk. Prematurely defeated. Like I'm just tired of trying, and tired of fighting. And that's not even with working out only, I'll get the same way with other shit as well. I mean I'll still do it. But with working out there's that hang up. It's this "You already hate the way I look, shit I hate the way I look" and insert defeat. Even when I'm pushed I just get angry at people. Angry that it hurts, angry that I can't do what they want. Angry at how I look. Angry. Just angry. So fucking angry. Angry that I'm not thin, angry that I hate myself. Angry that my body doesn't want to easily do the things I think it should be able to do. Angry that I'm not the same way I was when I liked myself. And did I even really like myself then or did I only like myself because people gave me attention?