Where to start. I feel lost so much of the time. I feel like for so long, most of my life I've been lost. I don't feel like I have anything that is worth something. What I mean is that I look at people I grew up with and they have families and these really solid relationships, they travel and have fitness competitions, or businesses, or jobs that are really successful and these beautiful lives. And then I wonder what I have in comparison, and it feels like nothing. Everyone says that comparing is unhealthy and bad for you and blah blah blah, but really, how can you not look at other people and realize how far behind you are from everyone else. I have a post-grad degree and still feel like it was for nothing. My job is at about the max potential I can reach, it's not stable, it's barely paying the bills. And the pressure from everyone to change to something else is overwhelming, because no one really understands that feeling of suffocation I get when they try to force me to keep a schedule. I mean for 4 years I've worked at not panicking when I'm supposed to be somewhere consistently at a certain time. But overall, I'm not much better than I was a few years ago when I think about some other position where I can't come and go as I please. Because holding a schedule is suffocating, it feels like walls closing in and I can't breathe. God there's so much on my mind lately, I wish I could even find an end to start at with untangling this mess and knowing where exactly to get my thoughts straight. So. I guess we start with money and try and figure that out. Money is....well it's bad. I can't even say tight. It's somewhere beyond that and J doesn't feel the same money struggles that I do, because he doesn't have this insane need to plan. I need to know what will happen because yay control freak. So by not knowing what bills will be paid when, I panic and then I can't breathe and commence anxiety. So now I'm somewhere in the process of bankruptcy and dealing with the stress from that. And losing my car, which has always symbolized freedom for me. I can take off when I want with a car. Something that is mine, and my space. Which J also doesn't seem to understand why certain things like feeling like my things in the car are moved gets me. It's just always been something that feels like a safe place to get out of my head, and by getting into the car and feeling like things are moved or hidden or that I may find something belonging to someone else it's like that safe place has become a point of stress. I don't actually think I have a safe place to not feel anxious anymore. Not somewhere I can get to. So I just walk around freaking out all day and white knuckle it. So then there is the job, and the job doesn't make enough money but as mentioned it also is the only position I've held that doesn't suffocate me. I schedule my own shit, I go where I want and cancel and hide when I can't be there. I have a place that I've made into my own and the people aren't dicks. So going elsewhere feels like setting myself up for misery and like I will quit. Because that's what I do when I feel uncomfortable. Which goes to I guess the issues surrounding personal stuff. Losing my only real friends here for the most part. One of them goes between cycles of normalcy and then being overbearing and jealous. She's fine as long as I play by her rules and color in the lines and I don't do that well. I never really have. And the other took my godson with her and the kids I watched grow from birth to toddlerhood. I miss G, because there were a lot of times where we just hung out and did dumb shit. That was my best friend, and I try to acknowledge maybe J has that same exact thing. Like when G and I used to just go to the downtown area at 3am and find Pokemon when that was a thing, and people still did that. Or when we got drunk and sang DMX, because we were way funnier then obvs. But really for years there was nothing sexual between us after he realize I just wasn't his person outside of being a best friend who was the one who could logic and calm him out of the stupid shit he got himself into. And maybe that's what J has with his friends. That's such a sensitive subject, because I don't know where it's going or what is going to happen. And like G always said, I control the river and don't just let it flow how it wants. I don't know if we will be together or not, or if he will even be trustworthy at that point or not. Because trust has always been hard for me and he hasn't been terribly trustworthy honestly. So. I guess there's that. I go between hope and sheer despair. I've been here before so many times, because I feel like this is always my luck with people. That I'm always good enough for so many things but not good enough for someone to keep. And then I feel like at my age I should be past this nonsense and I am too tired to keep with the circles. I don't know anymore. There are so many things I wish I could convey, like my thought patterns don't make sense and that's frustrating. Because I'm seen as selfish when I really am not, it just feels different for me than it does most people. Like some things that seem like selfishness are actually my fear of the end, or not knowing what will happen. Because so many things feel like abandoned or like losing hope and I just wish I had the words to convey that yanno.