Sometimes I swear I'm one of the most impatient people on the planet. Nothing comes fast enough, and I really do believe "patience is a virtue" is just there to keep me from what I want.
It's hard when you want something so badly that waiting even an instant seems like an eternity, most certainly when you just want to talk all about it. Sometimes it makes me feel like a bad person. Especially since I feel like I'm doing things at the cost of other people, but I really feel like they could never appreciate what I want like I do.

I don't know how to describe it really. It's a pang of sadness mixed in with the excitement. Sadness/Worry/Excitement/Happiness and all of these emotions all rolled up in to one little ball. It's terribly frustrating though.

Please just happen now. Like right now

---

Mini Rant but. In letter form yayyy.

I'm frustrated with our situation because I feel like you are trying to be too good in all of this. Not that you're bad, but I think that's why I'm most upset. Despite all of the lies you were told and all of the ones you still don't have answered. I feel like you're trying to still make the best of the situation, even in ending when you deserve better than that. I mean, I know having loved someone you don't want to hurt them, but there isn't much love in someone who can't be real with you. Not in my opinion at least. I feel like you're missing out on things, things you really want because you're so focused on not hurting someone, which really isn't something you should have to do. I know I have no room to talk. I know I stayed for a long time in a situation where I didn't want to be out of fear of what someone would do and hurting them, but sometimes I think you just have to do it because if not you miss out on great things, or time doing things. I also feel like you put your own happiness at stake because of a worry. You tell me not to worry, so now it's my turn to tell you not to worry.

I know it sounds like I say this because I want you to myself. Which, I won't lie is partially true, but even just as a friend I'd tell you the same thing. I don't feel like you hear all of what I say because I can't have an objective view in all of this. Which I understand, I mean coming from me it sounds like all I care about is what I want and not what you want. And I'm sorry for sounding selfish, for pushing you into directions. I don't want to sound like that, or like someone who only cares about their own benefit. And no I'm not doing homework tyvm for asking.

I love you. I have always loved you and I will always love you. Nothing is going to ever change that. But I do worry. I can't help but worry because I don't have you, well I guess I do but without titles. It just seems so scary. I hate holding things back and not doing all of the things I'd love to do. Like give you mushy posts on tumblr or make you pictures and comments for when you come home. I've even sorta held off on the layout because of it, which I'm sure sounds silly.

I don't want you to feel like I'm only focused on myself in all of this. I've had long talks with Meatball quite a few nights a week and we talk about it and how I feel about it. How things are progressing with us and I have to tell her no mafia hits and no cement shoes. Even though she's my friend, who wants me happy, she's also your friend who wants you happy. She's told me so. She's told me she wants us back together already because we're one of the only mushy couples she thinks deserve it...aside from her situation of course. Pftt meatball putting herself first! Who does she think she is.

I do understand though. I stayed in a situation because of someone's emotional stability and their mental mindset. And I missed out on some really great things. I missed out on you the first time. I'm not saying I'll leave. I'm not saying I'm going anywhere or doing anything, and I hate that it's something big that we have to discuss all the time. But I just get impatient that we have this big weight on both of us that spoils things sometimes. And that bothers us both, I know it bothers you. I know you want to do things with me and are unable to. I know that you worry about me, and you worry about if I'm okay and keeping me happy. I know you don't want to hurt people, and people are getting hurt no matter what you're doing right now. I understand. And I'm sorry I bring this up.

I don't expect you to read this all. I don't expect you to know what to say or be able to just fix it all right as soon as I post this. Because that's unrealistic. But I just wanted to get it out there. To put it down and kinda feel better for a little bit that I said all of the things that sometimes get jumbled that I can't quite get out. Especially when I don't want to just say "I understand that you are hurting too. I understand that you are trying your best and that things are complicated. But you can't keep doing this to yourself over someone who doesn't have the decency to respect you or your happiness. Not to mention someone who has no regard for how you may feel about certain things she does or does not do".