I know I'm suppose to be happy and thankful for what I have. That there are kids all over who don't have anything to eat, but I can't get into the mindset of "Christmas is suppose to be joyous". I've tried, I've been trying.
I like Christmas when things are well, I like them when things are going well and I have something to look forward to. Especially when I don't feel so lonely and my parents aren't dreading celebrating it.

My mom tries so hard, I know she does. She tries to take me to go find things I might like, but it's not what I truly wanted this year, I didn't even want gifts. I feel like it's never going to happen, it hasn't already so why should things change in my favor?
But what's worse is trying not to ruin other people's holiday with my mood. I just kind of keep quiet and don't want to talk much because I'm sad.

I don't feel like I can look at the "At least we're together" aspect, because we aren't. There is still other people involved and I don't even get him to myself for Christmas. I want something to look forward to and be happy about. I knew there was going to be big surprises and exciting things but now it's kind of like "Well what do I have to look forward to". My family? My parents don't really even want to celebrate because of my grandmother being here and that I didn't even want to be here. Which I don't blame them for at all.

My friends are all off with their respective partners/families and I'm kinda just sitting here looking for something really good to look forward to.

I sound so selfish. I really do.