I feel like I might as well just give up. Give up on whatever it was that made me happy and I'm just frustrated and struggling. No one actually really gets how any of this feels. How shitty it all is.
I had this all thought out until I sat down to write it out. Which is how it normally goes.
It's hard being completely abandoned, it's honestly ridiculous to even wrap your head around especially after years.

But what's worse is opening yourself up to trying to be okay and happy after that. And having that go badly too. I told myself I didn't enjoy having someone to go places with and do stupid shit with. It was nice to be treated well and really enjoy someone's company, and it feels like ass when they don't want anything more than that, and even worse when they flirt with someone else. Always someone else.

I never feel like I'm enough, or good enough. And after the things that I found out happened, I'm not doing the LDR thing anymore, I don't think I could keep it up anyway because after 4 years I miss someone holding my hand and giving me what I need in person. You can't fully trust someone when they're so far away.