Life Of A Part-Time Mermaid

Sun and Storm

Saturday, March 24, 2012 @ 7:38 PM
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“Because this is what happens when you try to run from the past. it doesn't just catch up: it overtakes, blotting out the future, the landscape, the very sky, until there is no path left except that which leads through it, the only one that can ever get you home.”

I go between being very dark and moody and happy and okay with hopefulness in certain aspects.

There's this song, and it came from an ex when I was 13. It wasn't a particularly bad or good relationship, pretty neutral, but I just remember how he'd give me songs with all of this music. I think it was the first night we met each other that a friend introduced us he brought me a CD with 115 songs on it. And Leftover Crack-Operation M.O.V.E was on it.
I liked most of the songs on it, not all. But that one has come to be my favorite from that CD over time.
I guess that doesn't seem relevant until I put it in context. LOC is not a well known band, not by mainstream standards, and not by most people's standards. It's sort of a true punk type of band I guess, die hard and whatnot. Lee was all of those things, and while I couldn't stand being in a relationship with the guy for his own personal issues, I grew an adoration for punks, mostly ones that aren't self proclaimed.

I've dated all sorts of people, but have for the most part had a type that wasn't like this at all.
When I was 16, I got out of my mother's form of rehab. Upstate New York City, no phone, in the middle of nowhere, watching a 13 year old when she went out with her friends. This was over my 16th birthday too, which was always fun for me for the month and a half I was up there, maybe longer.

When I got back I was leaving a bad relationship, first one I'd had since my really bad one. I have a notorious bad relationship track record. But that's where I met Joe.
My first day at ATC, I walked into that office and sat down and he just started talking. Asking my name, talking to me about who even knows what, and he had his liberty spikes, and the best plaid pants this side of Florida and just was fantastic. I'm pretty sure he was the only other person who knew who LOC was too.

I don't know why that makes a difference, but somehow it does and I took it as a sign that the first person I met welcomed me and knew who this band was from my last neutral relationship before I got all fucked up was. It's just held something I've held close I guess.

Joe and I were never particularly close, it just wasn't something we really were. But the thing I remembered most about him before he got up here was A. Before I dated another guy at the school, I had the biiiiiiiggest crush on him. And B. He saw me dip my fries in my frosty, so he got me to try my nuggets in them too, and from there we bonded.

When Joe moved up here I took it as a sign. I go between signs and lack there of quite often. Sometimes I think there are signs, sometimes I think there aren't. But I was with someone at the time so I didn't go visit because I knew it'd probably cause some turmoil in the relationship, even if it was just a friendship. After about a year of him being here, I finally set it up, as per talked about in the Philly journal.
And looking back on it that was something I really really needed, because it's been so amazingly long since someone even did those trivial things with me, like push me over to flood a city first, or try to electrocute each other. Okay well, he staticed me, I got him to electrocute himself...

But from there, and the Aquarium we really got to know each other better, which is nice. I loved having someone to open up to and give me relationship advice when I need it and who respected my relationship boundaries. Problem being when the relationship went well. Idk where it went it was just gone having feelings left for all of those simple things I missed so much, combined with the crush I once had and combine that with someone cuddling with me and rubbing my drunk ass back, and trying to figure out all of this.

It's frustrating to feel like there are all these things falling into place, even for a temporary amount of time, that seem so hopeful but also seem like they're just full of despair.

Aaron abandoned me. Just up and disappeared on me and that is like a knife in the chest. And then there was this amazing person who kept me from falling apart completely, and let me drink there because he probably knew it was safer. Idk. Just assuming there. Everyone knows I drink myself to oblivion, and I out drank the Irish so. Yanno. But after that night all of these signs and dreams kept occuring and I took them as good, and now they could be bad and just ugh. It's impossible to feel like two people not just one but TWO people in succession after having all of these horrible things happening in relationships either A. Your 4 years drops you on your ass, after some pretty bad shit goes on. Or B. The person who is really there for you doesn't like you even though all signs pointed another way

Just shoot me. Please. Like. I'm tired and I'm tired of all of these bad things, and I just want something to go right for once and be normal and happy and I am just tired of being dragged through the mud and getting speeches on finding someone when I'm older. I'm not exactly 16.

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