There's a lot of things I may wake up and decide one day. I may wake up and decide I hate my hair color, I may wake up one day and decide I absolutely hate pancakes again, or that I suddenly want to be in the WNBA even though I cannot aim to save my life. There's one thing I will not wake up and decide one day. I will not wake up, and decide that I do not want you. I won't wake up and decide that how I feel about you is any different. Because I can want to simultaneously punch you in the face, and not do it because I love you and I don't want your gorgeous face to have even one little bruise on it.

Trust is scary. It's literally the scariest thing because you don't know how to handle the feelings that you feel when the paranoia box opens. And you're supposed to just accept that someone else is in control and it's not you. I was trying to find something on a way to not think trust was so scary. And I found this video at random, called Why Trust Is Worth It. I didn't expect to even watch it, but the thing said in association with Cirque Du Soleil. I've loved Cirque since I was 11, and we'd watch the videos for it that my dance teacher brought in. When a friend's mom came back from Vegas she brought me a post card and that thing is sitting framed on a shelf, when I went in October I was so excited. When the warriors came up on stage, all my brain screamed was "Fight" over and over and over again. And all I thought about was your stinkin face. So I watched that video. And it talked about exactly how I feel, and you said you could relate to that. It said that you spend so much energy trying to prepare to be disappointed. We plan and observe and predict and over analyze (I'm paraphrasing here), but how when someone's betrayed us we look for all of the other betrayals waiting in our life. That we tense up, and we decide we'll just trust no one. But how that doesn't really work, because trust is your relationship to the unknown and that you can't control everything.

Control is big for me. I always feel like if I have the upper hand in something, if I have somewhere to put my feet and control a situation that I won't get hurt. Which is illogical, but when things happen again and I again I think that's the logical reaction. If I trust no one, I control everything, maybe I won't get hurt.

There was a quote that popped up too. It said "To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don't grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float."  And we both sorta love water a lot. It's all easier said then done. I've been struggling for weeks. Because amazingly enough, even if I don't run, I am still scared. 

The truth is, I have never ran. I'm way too stubborn to run. I don't run when shit is bad, I've for the most part stuck it out. I've left 3 times. Which in my whole life, I guess that's not a whole lot. I left when I couldn't take being cheated on with one more person. Not once or twice, but 24 different people. When I was terrified of the punishments from not being exactly what I was supposed to be. When I finally had enough. I was a lot like you for a while too you know. I didn't want anyone close to me, I didn't want anyone to get through that wall. Because it was like if they did, and they hurt me again I couldn't fucking take it. I couldn't take one more person to just inflict one more scar. I handled it effectively you know, tons of drinking and trying to forget how much I hated myself and everything that tried to be around me. 
Sometimes I look at you, and I wonder if that part of me is something you can see because you get it.

I left when I couldn't go to work because of self harm threats, or insults if I did. When I couldn't get a coffee at the mall alone without my phone ringing saying I'd been gone too long and must be cheating. That I was evil because I didn't love jesus and their pastor said I was evil. And then I tried again. I tried to be more caring, more supportive, better. But I was only better so long as I was always happy, always smiling, always caring, never sad. Because there was another girl, and she was better than me.

I left when I couldn't take one more year of being the fall back. The one who wrote 15 page essays until 5am so that my partner could sleep and I was good at it and liked to help, but never the one they were willing to do anything for. When I was the girl they could cheat with and tell how excited they were to come see me for Christmas...but cancelled...for the 8th or 9th trip...And who they begged to lie and say they were no one to when they were caught, because it was only okay if I was the one hurt. When I quit my job, bought clothes appropriate for a winter vacation, a passport, and Christmas gifts only to be told it wasn't a good time. And to be ignored for a month after because I was selfish. Because after 6 years of being a human yo-yo I couldn't take it anymore. Because by 7 years and trying to drown out feelings of just wanting someone to give a shit I didn't want anyone to touch me, or to take pictures of me. I didn't want to get close to someone, I didn't want them to expect something from me.

That sorta was until I scrolled and something made me click on you. I say that in the cheesiest ways possible.

That's what it takes for me to walk. That's what it takes for me to wake up one day and decide "I can't take it, I can't do it".
I'm not perfect. God I'm far from fucking perfect. Sometimes I'm selfish, and the more afraid I get the more I cling. The more I panic the more I cling. If I don't get sleep I can be down right anxious as fuck. I'm a big fun obnoxious drunk. I refuse to eat some days because I feel oily inside and won't until I'm properly hydrated and don't feel sloshy.
Some days I feel like the whole world is against me, and some days that will include you. In all of your amazing glory that will include you and my dog, and the guy down the block who I've never seen but I'll will be certain the entire universe is conspiring against me.
I've got some broken parts that are just as scared as yours are.

But.


There will not be a day I won't want to fight against you to move your butt over and give me some bed or covers. Or that I won't want to irritate you until you cave and tell me to shush so you can get sleep because I get babbly when I'm tired. There won't be a day I won't want to eat whatever amazing food you whip up, even if it's filled with meat and I'm sick for days. Or that I won't want to hog all the water from you in the shower. That I won't want to memorize every detail I can while you're asleep. Or listen to you shit talk while playing video games. Or raid the farmers market with you and steal all those bastards apples and strawberries. And freeze those damn strawberries at home.
Or go to the beach with you, because I'm a fucking mermaid. An impossible, stubborn as fuck, slightly neurotic, clingy fucking mermaid.

One who happens to be in love with a really moody, push away-y, nearly equally stubborn, awesome cooking, gorgeous you.