This is absolutely the first time I've blogged from my phone. Well. Maybe not. I don't really remember by now.
I've decided I'm angry. It's not the first time I've had this particular conversation with myself. But I'm angry at the past 7 years. I'm more angry about them than any other person. Because up until recently I held a certain sort of belief. Up until this summer I believed that what I was doing was okay. And it wasn't.

I'm angry that I spent 7 years not being good enough for you to follow through. I quit my job to go look at apartments. And you never showed. I cancelled vacations because you said you would come. And you didn't. I stayed up late nights helping you on your papers, when your version of helping me was to get bored after a few minutes. I'm angry that I've made my self worth relative to the times you decided to take me off a shelf because someone broke your heart or someone wasn't being a good girlfriend. Not that you ever called me ugly. Not once. But you damn people who shut me out when you refused to speak to me for a month while we were dating because you thought I was selfish! And play the I don't remember game.

I'm not angry because I want you. I'm angry because for the first time since I was 16 years old I don't love you. I love someone I can see a future with. Someone who has been burned and broken and bruised just like I have. Someone who actively avoids getting hurt by not trying. That's not your fault. But what is, is that after I was treated horridly. I came to you this broken 16 year old girl. Who didn't know how to trust a single goddamn person, and instead of showing me that people wouldn't always hurt me. You helped me become a 23 year old woman who doesn't trust anyone. You picked me up and set me down when someone "better" came along so many times that I always wait to be thrown away now. I don't know how to think the other shoe isn't going to drop. Or that things will be okay. Because you took everything and made it my fault. You made everything my goddamn burden. When all I want to do is be able to believe that this will work out. That I can do this. That I'm strong enough to love and trust someone, and help them learn that sometimes people won't hurt you and are worth it.