For the past week I cannot get even a glimpse outside of my own head. I mean I am used to not being able to get out of my own head to some degree. But since New Years Eve I've been this walking ball of nerves. Fucking terrified of bad news dropping at any moment.

I have done yoga, xanax, hot chocolate, drawing/painting, crocheting. If there's a hobby I've done it. I've gone back to doing tarot spreads for days, and it's getting obsessive trying to find something good to hold on to so that I feel better about things and feel like I have some sort of control. I let go of other stressful things in my life. Yet still I cannot get past this impending doom. And I'm (now, like this week) 100% aware that I have a huge problem with never feeling good enough. And that fuels this huge fear that I'm never good enough for anyone. That past actions from people in my life have contributed to my own shitty self image and I just chill out in my bed all day telling myself I suck and that the person I love is going to bounce.

When I don't care I don't feel like this, but I can safely say my fear has never been this bad before. I think it's a combination of not having things go well in a while, and just letting me eat at myself. I think part of it is not knowing how to stop. Like once you get cycling so hard you don't know how to tell yourself that things will be okay. That you love this person, who is just as scared as you. But it's like this cycling fear just lingers so that I not only can't enjoy Squish, but makes up it's own fears all day long. So far I've determined I sucked in bed so bad that he never wants to touch me again, that he has another girl already or will in the immediate future, that I'm ugly no matter what he says, that I'm going to ruin this, or that he's never going to want to change his mind for me on being close to someone (but apparently my brain has decided he would for someone else). I mean he knows I'm scared. He watched me lay in his bed spazzing about it, granted he didn't try to give me comfort about it, he may have told me I worry too much. But what do you say to someone who is afraid to love you when you have the same fear? Gah I hate not knowing outcomes or what to do, and not feeling stable and safe.

I even tried to send cute pictures and because he didn't say anything my brain is back on the fear train. I really am bad at this whole letting love flow thing. Seriously I don't understand how people don't constantly fear that others don't want them back when they actually give a shit.