Lately I've been oddly obsessed with two characters and their relationship from a show. Yeah yeah yeah an OTP whatever. And the other night I felt shitty, which I still feel shitty so that is irrelevant. But anyway.
Every week they go through hell and back. And they make it, and idk I guess I latch on to that just because you're going through hell doesn't mean things won't be okay and they'll be better.
But this week in particular she said something that I have no idea why it stuck with me, because it's a common phrase when it's not in the language from the show. On the show it was "Ge smak daun, gyon op nodotaim"- Get knocked down, get back up.  And I don't know why it's been on my mind so much, maybe the intensity of the two of them and the context with her yelling it at him in his own language hit me some sorta way.

Sometimes I wish I could yell that, for myself and for not so much myself in this scenario. Because we're both run by depression (Getting someone to admit that is way harder than it seems). There was also We don't give up. We fight  And I feel like that's important too. While I'm sure I make the situation way more intimate than it is, and more Us than it is (but how would I know when someone locks me out all the time), I feel like it's still important. Because I know there is something there. And I am a fighter. Always have been. And maybe it stuck with me so much because since that night at Cirque every time I feel like giving up something in my brain screams fight.

Anyway. I did a whole "What's The Problem" spread the other night actually I did two because the first one was so utterly confusing to me and my friend was sleeping to help me figure out what it was saying. I have patience issues, anywhoozle.

This is the spread deciphered to the best of her ability:

The Problem: The Devil
You're taking the problem and making it a much bigger deal than it is by thinking that some outside force is stopping you and that it is controlling you. It's not. You have freely given this fear the reigns over you. You fear the worst and this fear is preventing you from moving on. This card, of course, can also mean Squish since it is a reading for the both of you. Read it how you will there.

Also, "More generally, the Devil indicates that you are becoming obsessed and hell-bent on a particular idea, situation or endeavor." You may be hellbent on the fear, or you may be hellbent on the idea that this is going to work out how you want it to.

So I do agree with that, especially with the fear having control over me and I've openly given in to it. I can say it's a strong possibility for him too, just based on what's happened and stuff.
I think the obsession part may be both the hellbent on the fear, but maybe since this card is about control. I'm obsessed with control. And he is in a way too by keeping his walls up and me out.
I get obsessive in the things I do to try and achieve control as well. Like my anxiety will skyrocket until I feel that I have some form of control. How do you think I got doing tarot so much again? Obsessive control or the perception of it. Duh. My whole goal is to not be shattered before it happens, how I'll prepare? I don't know. But I'm convinced if I have some form of control I can't get hurt. Again. 

How You Contributed: The High Priestess
Your intuitive sense has contributed to the problem somehow, although I personally couldn't say how. The only thing I can come up with since the card says it's a time to listen to your inner voice, is that the problem may be that you aren't listening to yourself?

I've struggled with this lately, I've really been off my game with having any sort of intuition and maybe part of the problem isn't that I haven't been listening to my inner voice but maybe I've lost touch with it. I really feel like I don't know what's anxiety driven fear that I've created by worst casing and what's intuition anymore. 

How He Contributed: 8 Of Cups
He's withdrawn because he thinks that it's too much for him to handle. He's afraid that, because of his past experiences with the ladies, he has to walk away from the situation even if things may have gone well (possibly due to fear of rejections). He's mentally exhausted over love and the search to find it. He's a bit disappointed in himself for letting his mind get this way, but he thinks it's for the better currently. (Now I can't be 100% on that, but that's how I personally took it.)

What You Can Do To Fix It: The Empress
Be nurturing. This card just screams NURTURE HIM. What I've said before, just do what you can to show you care.

This is what the past 50 cards have said, I'm really no better at knowing how. Besides getting a sky writter to write "I love you, Butthole". 

What Will Make It Worse: 9 Of Pentacles
Thinking that you have completed your "goal", when in fact you haven't come close to doing so just yet. Things take a lot of time, especially getting someone to open up or to trust you (and that Madame Sadi advice comes from dealing with Will)

Ideal Outcome: 5 Of Cups
Realization that you may have expected too much from someone way too quickly.

I have no idea how she came to that conclusion, but she reads cards wayyyy better than I do. And I trust her judgement on it. The card is typically semi-ominous at least in that position it feels that way. But I guess a few meanings could be expecting too much from him and myself, because I expect to just wake up and be okay with everything and him to be okay with his fears while I have trouble trusting and getting over mine.
At the same time maybe he expects too much from me? Though I can't be sure.

My only other perception of this is based on the 3 cups tipped over and the two up right. That the ideal outcome will be us moving past this point. Realizing that there are still 2 cups, even though we both have spilled cups that hold us back. While I know that's typically the reversed meaning, I quit doing reverse cards. With all of the other cards not being negative (and really never have been up to this point), it makes me think of beginning to accept what can't be changed in a way. We're both really broken people, and right now we're going through our pain from the past.

I did two spreads, and the other one's outcome was Judgement. Which spoke to me about second chances, and an end to challenges that have been going on for a while. Depending on what book you look at (yes I still need a book cut me slack!). But also not jumping to conclusions positive or negative, and putting the past behind you. Which really doesn't sound bad and it sounds a lot like good things.