As a kid, during my first years in Florida I used to run around all day. I played on a tire swing that I'd haphazardly duct taped the wire that was wrapped around the rope so it wouldn't cut me. It still dug into my hands but I didn't care, I was free. I ran through the pasture, I chanced being eaten by wildlife. I chased lizards and caught them. I rode horses and got back on that day one threw me off and I swore I broke my hip when I hit the tree. I was free

When I moved to my second house I spent all day in the pool. I skateboarded from when the sun came up until hours after the street lights had kicked on and I was late for curfew. I got the cops called on me, I was loud and reckless. I ran through the woods with my first boyfriend before they caught up to us and made my mom come pick us up. I got in fist fights and yelling matches. But I still felt free

What this has to do with anything is that I miss it. I miss not feeling like I'm bogged down by everything. Even as a kid who'd already been through hell before that point I still knew how to just do and not think.

Last night was shitty. Super shitty. So I sought my usual advice, because I am always reaching to not feel like I have no idea what's coming at me. I'm the epitome of not free, I'm very much trapped in my own prison of a head. I've been having a think for a while on what the advice/insight said. But I'm not posting the whole thing just snippets.

The first bit of advice was don't dwell on the past. Which, I instantly started wondering in my current situation or my past as a whole. But the biggest thing I dwell on from my past is always wondering if someone else is better. If someone else will be the one someone chooses over me, if someone else is going to cheat which would also be "someone better" or more or less everything adding up to me constantly being unable to let go of feeling like I was always and will always be second best. And maybe in a sense that I need to stop jumping to that conclusion now as well. Because even last night/this morning my first instinct were: He isn't coming back and is gone for good, I'm just not good enough, Maybe he's sleeping with someone else and was too busy with her to text/talk to me. While I can see it really sounds vain that I would assume any of it has to do with me, a lot of that is me dragging my past around with me. And being unable to let go of it to benefit my future.

The second bit was that I need to stop holding on to pain and learn to move through it and accept it. I'm not sure if that means that currently I need to let go of it, which I do but I mean in the "This is your painful experience" or if it means I need to in general just let go of all of the bullshit I carry around. A big part of it was about going through the pain to reach joy. Which is something I don't really ever do, I just bring pain with me and never let go of it enough to reach the joy on the otherside. I'm not sure if it was a bad omen or if it was saying I need to learn to deal with things as they come and leave them there. Not bring them with me all the time. Which ties into letting go of the past I guess. And since it said this was my goal, maybe my goal is to learn to let go of the past.

That I need to pick my battles. That everything isn't a war to be won. That sometimes it's okay to just let shit go. That I don't need to always be ready for a fight. It also said that my struggle isn't over and I'll lose what I love if I don't change. But maybe it also hits a little on how I'm always geared for a fight emotionally. I go into every situation like it's going to be a fight, I constantly am bracing for one. Emotionally I'm always defensive, always anticipating the worst. Right now emotionally everything is a battle with me, because I am so far in my own head all the time that it's not that I want to be right so much as I don't want to not know when something is going to hit my armor.

It also talked about needing to change my perspective. My instant reaction was "Change it because I need to change my mindset about whats going on? Or maybe I'm too into it and I should just give up" So I guess that speaks to what perspective I need to change. The one that everything is going to end up in the worst possible light. That I'm the one trapping myself, I'm the one bound. And since being bound upside down all the time, stuck, can't be terribly comfortable, I'll assume that it means being negative can't be terribly comfortable either. Which it's not. It spoke to that being what I need to change, but also my fear. I guess it's my hope and my fear because while I hope to be able to change it, I also fear it. My hopes and fears have always very much been influenced by my perspective because I'm all fear and no hope. Well. 90% fear, 10% hope. It's so limited that it's only there to keep me going but not enough to make me feel like anything will work out. And it even said there is hope to be found in things. I guess looking at it more now, it's sort of funny that the card saying there is hope, change your perspective was my hope and fear card.

The end of it said things will be okay, I just need to learn to trust and believe in the person the card represents. Which is a huge struggle for me to. It'll be the outcome that I do eventually one day if I follow the advice presented to me, and I learn to change my perspectives I guess. But right now trust seems like the issue. And I don't know how to be free to trust. I miss being free to trust.

I haven't known how to do that in a very very long time. I haven't been able to trust anyone since Douche Ex and his 24 maidens. But I'd like to not be so skeptical all the time, I want to not always look for the other shoe to drop.