This is for and because of my ex. I'm thinking i will make me feel better about all of the rude shit being spread about me so.

I've hated very few people as much as I truly abhor you. That's a lot coming from me, because I'm one of the most forgiving people you'll ever meet. You used me to promote your own happiness. I told myself it was okay in the situation, it's normal to want your significant other to be happy but the price was too high. You call me a bitch, a liar, a cheater, a piece of shit all for going in search of my own happiness, yet for eight months I sacrificed nothing but so that you had yours. I am a horrible person who "ripped your heart out and shattered it" because I could no longer deal with you putting me down and making me feel less then. I was near the point of begging when you'd threaten to leave, and I don't beg. I refuse to beg for anyone. I was in a constant state of terror because of you, because I never knew when you'd lash out and make me feel like I was 2 inches tall again. I don't know why I stayed as long as I did, maybe because I didn't want to be lonely. No one wants to be lonely. I never felt good enough because of you, and now I am right back to where I was five years ago. I feel horrible about myself, worse than I felt before we met. You weren't always a bad guy, no, if that were the case you wouldn't have charmed me. But you slowly turned into this selfish force who only cares about himself.

Your ex told you once that you "couldn't grow" and you didn't understand what she meant by it. I agree with her now looking back on it. You can never grow emotionally to be a fully functioning human. You will forever be trapped in a teen mindset of instant satisfaction and lashing out at people around you when you are angry. You will never grow into a bigger, better human being.

I cried when you insulted a girl's thighs because they look just like mine. You attacked me for it and turned it into me being a bad person and how they're fine, you made it as if you never said it. You pushed and pulled. My emotions didn't matter, if I was sad you wanted me to put on a happy face because you didn't want to deal with me being upset. You ignored the parts of me you didn't like about me. Were there times when you could be pleasant and wonderful? Yes. But the bad far outweighed the good and I just lied to myself to make it seem otherwise.

My friends knew, my family knew, everyone could see how I was slowly becoming more and more unhappy. And still you ignored it. You ignored anything that you didn't like. I wasn't allowed to be unhappy, and if I expressed it, it was pushed away. Do you know how that fucks a person up? Do you know how that makes them feel? I doubt you have any idea how you made me feel about myself.

I never felt pretty enough. I never felt smart enough. And you all but agreed if I ever said anything negative about myself. I know I'm smarter than you give me credit for, if I wasn't I couldn't have done all of your homework for you. You'd tell me I made myself sound miserable to be around, if you didn't know that more or less means you thought I was miserable to be around. You told me I was a bad person because I wasn't christian, and that it was evident by me breaking up with you. You'd remind me how you didn't love me all that much, and that I'd never be as good as certain people.

And the worst thing of all, you tried to poison me against the one person in this world who truly does love me the way someone should. You told me how he flirted with all of these women, and told them all the same thing. And of course you told me when I was upset with him because it was easier to get me to want to ignore him. What kind of human being does that? I never tried to poison you against your exes, even though they texted you at all hours of the night.

You try to play off like you're such a nice guy. Maybe I should have listened when you called yourself horrible. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to fix you, because I'm obviously not the right person for the job. Fuck you for making me worry more, for making my anxiety worse and for making me question every move I make while I'm back where I should be. I can't stop worrying I'm going to mess this up like I mess everything up. No it's not all your fault, I'll give you that. But having someone freak out at random when you do the smallest things doesn't help the situation. I can't stop worrying now, about anything and do you know how that feels? Do you know how it feels to worry that you're so undeserving that the person you love most is going to leave you? I'm sure you don't because that would require you giving a fuck about someone other than yourself. I should have never gone back on my decision in April. I'd be so much happier and better off. I'd be further along with Aaron that I am now in working on us. And things wouldn't be half as complicated for our situation as they are.

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I'm where I want to be. I am in love with the person I should be in love with.