I'm a Florida Party girl, I was conditioned in to it. I guess "conditioned" would be the right word, I had a lot of mentoring and whatnot to get me to that point.
I spent 2 years not caring, not caring about me, not caring about anyone else, not caring about anything that would separate me and not feeling.

I've come a long way since then, and for me to care about people and things is something I feel like most people take for granted. If I care about you, it means something. It isn't trivial, and it's not common.

Sometimes I get yelled at for this and told that is my problem. That my lack of caring about people unless they are very important means that I have meltdowns when I think people will be gone from my life. But why would that be a bad thing? For me to care about specific people enough that I care if they are in my life or not. Isn't that what I was suppose to be doing all along? Caring?

Sometimes I think it would be easier. I know that I wouldn't be anxious or have this worry looming over my head all the time. But there is one person that keeps me very grounded and holding back from that. It should be a compliment to them, it's not something I've done for anyone else.
This week and the weeks before it have been so very very frustrating. Trying to talk myself down is a habit nearly hourly, and trying to think of every method I possibly can to reduce anxiety. I hate feeling like I'm not useful, I pride myself on how easy it can be to talk to me, and I am struggling to justify why someone so important to me wouldn't want to tell me things.

I struggle with the talking myself down about the worst. The worst thing that could possibly happen is constantly in the front of my mind, at all times. It seems easier to jump there then constantly have to tell myself logical things.